There are three things. This post will cover two of them.
It's very late, again. So late it's early. I feel odd posting about this while Nicky & Co. are here, but I can't seem to settle down to write about anything else, even though there's quite a lot else to write about. I don't actually want to write about this at all, but my usual methods of repression and denial don't seem to be working all that well.
And I asked Lestrade and he said it was all right. I suppose since he told me about it via blog comment it'd be a bit odd to worry about me posting about it. I still feel weird posting about it. Obviously, or I would've stopped blithering by now and... I'll start with the point weighing most heavily on my mind.
1. Lestrade's husband hit him. L said he could "restrain him" most of the time, which, oddly enough, I don't find all that comforting. L couldn't hit him back for fear of losing his job. I wish I could just say "I want to kill him" but that doesn't come anywhere close. I don't know what I want. I want it not to have happened, but unfortunately Sherlock's time machine is made of cardboard. (And it doesn't work. I checked. Well, you never know your luck.)
So, yeah. There's that. I feel like murderous impulses are semi-appropriate here, but I don't even really want to hit him anymore. (I did, a bit, before. Just for existing.) The only concrete, achievable thing I can think of to want is to go with L if he has to meet with him at any point. L is not keen on this idea. I can understand why, and I know I haven't got any right to insist. Even though I really really want to.
2. Tangentially related, in that it involves me worrying about L, is this case he's on with the murdered little boy. He's working himself to death over it, and it's... Well. I can't remember everything I'm not supposed to say, since he's told me more about it than he's told the internet, but I know he said in his post that the boy's family was similar to his own. And he'd be thinking about them anyway, with Nicky here.
And...wow, this post is semi-articulate at best, but the dark circles under his eyes are growing exponentially, and he won't talk to me about it because he still feels guilty for letting me see those photos (the other third of the things I don't want to post about but apparently need to) when it was, in fact, entirely my own fault. Maybe he'll talk to Nicky. I hope so. He's going to make himself ill if he goes on like this.
I think part of the reason I didn't want to write this is that it's incredibly awkward talking about him in the third person when I know he'll be reading it in the morning and possibly not be all that pleased with me.
It's very late, again. So late it's early. I feel odd posting about this while Nicky & Co. are here, but I can't seem to settle down to write about anything else, even though there's quite a lot else to write about. I don't actually want to write about this at all, but my usual methods of repression and denial don't seem to be working all that well.
And I asked Lestrade and he said it was all right. I suppose since he told me about it via blog comment it'd be a bit odd to worry about me posting about it. I still feel weird posting about it. Obviously, or I would've stopped blithering by now and... I'll start with the point weighing most heavily on my mind.
1. Lestrade's husband hit him. L said he could "restrain him" most of the time, which, oddly enough, I don't find all that comforting. L couldn't hit him back for fear of losing his job. I wish I could just say "I want to kill him" but that doesn't come anywhere close. I don't know what I want. I want it not to have happened, but unfortunately Sherlock's time machine is made of cardboard. (And it doesn't work. I checked. Well, you never know your luck.)
So, yeah. There's that. I feel like murderous impulses are semi-appropriate here, but I don't even really want to hit him anymore. (I did, a bit, before. Just for existing.) The only concrete, achievable thing I can think of to want is to go with L if he has to meet with him at any point. L is not keen on this idea. I can understand why, and I know I haven't got any right to insist. Even though I really really want to.
2. Tangentially related, in that it involves me worrying about L, is this case he's on with the murdered little boy. He's working himself to death over it, and it's... Well. I can't remember everything I'm not supposed to say, since he's told me more about it than he's told the internet, but I know he said in his post that the boy's family was similar to his own. And he'd be thinking about them anyway, with Nicky here.
And...wow, this post is semi-articulate at best, but the dark circles under his eyes are growing exponentially, and he won't talk to me about it because he still feels guilty for letting me see those photos (the other third of the things I don't want to post about but apparently need to) when it was, in fact, entirely my own fault. Maybe he'll talk to Nicky. I hope so. He's going to make himself ill if he goes on like this.
I think part of the reason I didn't want to write this is that it's incredibly awkward talking about him in the third person when I know he'll be reading it in the morning and possibly not be all that pleased with me.
28 comments:
Don't think like that even for a moment. The whole point of you having this thing is to write about stuff on your mind.
The fact i'm the cause if the 'stuff' makes me feel pretty shit, but that's in no way your fault.
Might reply furthe if Iget a minute at work. You have a good day. Try to relax? I honestly will try to finish early.
It's not you. It's him and this case, that's all.
Ps it is really okay to have people worry about you, I swear. All right I should sleep now.
Lestrade's ex is a jeeeeerk! What a bastard! I'm getting quite a few ideas of how to get REVENGE but most of them are probably illegal, and the asshole's not worth going to jail for. No, wait, now that I think about it, maybe Mycroft and Sherlock can come up with a plan that would avenge Lestrade AND avoid getting caught. :D OK, sorry, I shouldn't be suggesting such things. Hell, if I just read your blogs and I'm angry, I can't imagine how you must be feeling, John.
I'm sorry this happened, and I hope they get the dissolution soon so all ties with that bastard are cut and Lestrade can fully move on with his life.
L couldn't hit him back for fear of losing his job.
This probably shouldn't be the thing that makes me most furious. Hitting back hardly seems like the best solution anyway.
But not being able to defend yourself fully because you're scared of losing your job, which makes you work insane hours for lousy pay, withstand constant abuse, and routinely risk your life? Few people are willing to accept that kind of job. L might be the only person willing to put up with domestic abuse to keep it.
I only know L off the internet. But I want to pummel Bryan for taking advantage of that selflessness.
I'm glad you two found each other.
Murderous rage is a perfectly appropriate reaction! (As long as you don't actually act on it...) Hell, I just read your blogs and I'm rather ... displeased on Lestrade's behalf. Possibly not murderously so, but blunt object trauma seems pretty reasonable.
Ugh! Well, that puts a different spin on his not pursuing a dissolution of the civil partnership earlier. I hope all goes well so he can put this behind him.
I would offer more death and mayhem on y'all's behalf but that seems well covered. Instead I'll just offer a tidbit from my family.
The people who love us - when we know they love us and we love them in return are a simultaneously the tide which buoys us up and the albatross that bears us down. They make us happy and safe and warm and protected and above all loved. And so we worry and fret and fear because we want nothing more than to be the same for them. We end up feeling if they have to protect us then we've failed to protect them. So we make ourselves miserable and twist ourselves up into anguished little guilt-pretzels.
So, my advice to you darlings is to remember that you're loved. And to never forget what you would do had positions been reversed. It fixes nothing really but it makes the bandaging more bearable.
Also? I will still happily commit acts of mayhem in bizarre and horrifying fashion if you like. Just say the word. I'll arrange for someone to put eyedrops in bastard-ex-husband's coffee for weeks.
Toodle!
Bronwyn
Murderous rage is never the answer, John.
Not when you have two super geniuses living under the same roof as you. Have you considered introducing Mycroft to Bryan's computer records? Freezing his assets? Cutting off his utilities? Hacking into his email then sending his boss an insulting message? Or even just messing with his facebook account?
There's a whole range of possibilities here if you just utilise the resources at your disposal
(Seriously though, hugs to the both of you. Sending you all my best wishes via the power of the internet!)
You guys do remember that the boys sometimes read this, right? Perhaps all the suggestions of involving them in illegalities should be forestalled. I know M has probably got sense enough to realize you're joking, but still.
Lestrade, I'm sorry that you had to live through what at some point turned into a spectacularly bad relationship, and that you're currently working yourself stupid over a fairly awful case. I understand why, for work reasons, you might not be able to talk on your blog about the details and why the case bugs you. I understand why you would worry about talking it out with John, given how the photos disturbed him. But if you can't talk to anyone about it, I'd suggest venting it SOMEhow. Maybe write it out on paper, where the internet can't get at it? You have to vent all that vileness somehow, or you'll go spare.
John, I'm sorry you have all this emotional debris knotting you up. Not to say that anything you're feeling is wrong to feel or express, just I recognize it's not nice and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. Lestrade's right- this is a place for you to write out and deal with some of it, and that's important to do. Even if it feels awkward as hell and doesn't actually *resolve* anything.
I wish there was a magic bullet for this kind of thing, I really do. I don't know what to say that could possibly help: this too shall pass? Platitudes aren't especially helpful or coherent, I know.
Big virtual hugs to you both.
To anyone feeling murderous, please, don't. It's all...in the past, over with, and I don't want anyone being murdered, or even really being angry on my behalf. None of it helps. And I don't want revenge, or to beat the shit out of Bryan, I just don't want him having anything to do with my life anymore. I know, having spoken to him, that what I have now is a million times better than what he has. John and the boys are...I'm not going to say 'worth it' becaue that's ridiculous, the two aren't related - but I will say that if my life had gone differently, and never led to me being sent to a bloody country house in the middle of nowhere with murderous phantom hounds, well, I'd be disappointed if I'd seen what I was missing out on.
Like John, I'd rather it had just all never happened. But a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away (you're no the only one who can do quotes, Danger), I did actually love Bry. And there were good times.
Anon - I can assure you, I'm not the only one.
It does make you feel ridiculous when one minute you're trying to hold your temper because you've attended a domestic - or worse, one which has turned into a murder - and handing out all the advice you can and wishing the person involved would just walk away - do something, take back control over their lives. And the next day you're the one telling someone else that you've fallen down the stairs or walked into a door, and inside you're telling yourself that they didn't mean to hit you, and they were sorry, and every other fucking lie you tell yourself, just like all the 'victims' you see. And sometimes, honestly, you don't know you're even doing it.
Danger - thank you. Just not very used to be worried about quite so...openly? Very odd to go from something you didn't tell anyone for years to suddenly strangers on the internet offering advice. Not odd in a bad way. Just odd.
And I know it's him, and the case. But right now neither he or cases are going to go away. Cases will never go away. And I think I'm just a bit too knackered to dredge up the energy to change from work-mode to home-mode and that means you and the boys are suffering for it. And it's not fair on any of you.
Greg, John is right - listen to him, you stubborn thing! I know you can't just decide to take a break, and I know everything is really busy right now, but you need to somehow take a break. And I don't mean just to spend with us, because that's still not really a break - you're still playing the host. A proper break.
John - he's sort of said a few things to me, but nothing...well, I don't think it's helped. I don't think he wants to tell me things which could upset me. I can't believe how lucky he is - we all are - that you are such a lovely, compassionate man.
I'm just speechless. I'm so sorry that something like that happened to you. Listen to John's and Nicky's advice.
John - It's your blog, you need to write what you need to write. I think it's lovely that you checked with Lestrade first, that's just courteous, but you need to know that you have a route to process this stuff through and vent it, that's what the blog was for in the first place. If you're worried about writing something in public, write it in private, maybe?
I'm also really glad that you're moving on from your initial reactions with regard to Lestrade's husband. I'm going to guess, possibly wrongly, that you might have seen some domestic abuse during your time as an Army doctor, but maybe not a huge amount. The urge to react as a violent protector can be overwhelming, but it doesn't help the person being abused. Someone else being violent really isn't what they need.
Look at what Lestrade wrote here, about the disconnect between helping other people and going home to be one of them. If someone belting Bryan would have solved the situation, Lestrade could have done that for himself. It wouldn't have helped. More violence doesn't.
What happens now is all about what Lestrade wants. Not what you want, John, or what any of us sitting here pontificating from our keyboards want. Violence, especially domestic violence, has an effect of removing choices from the victims (sorry Lestrade, I can't think of a different word; apologies if that's a word and concept you don't associate with yourself). Being a survivor of abuse means that you get regain control over your choices. You get to choose who you speak to, you get to choose whether to agree or disagree with someone without fearing the repercussions, you get to choose not to lie to your friends. And you get to choose to have a partner who will not be violent, regardless of whether that violence is directed at your or on your behalf.
You are clearly a source of great support and strength to Lestrade. Keep doing that; keep being you.
And you're right, it is odd writing about Lestrade in the third person. So:
Lestrade: God almighty, man, you do like to take the weight of the world on your shoulders, don't you? I guess that's what makes you a good copper. I know you can't tell John too much about the case, but both he and Nicky will help you if you let them. (I'm a younger sister, and one of the most frustrating things these days is my older brothers still acting like I'm a little kid who needs to be protected from the nasty stuff in life. I'm a middle-aged woman who spends her days helping other people deal with the nasty stuff, for heaven's sake!). Remember that John has made it clear that he's quite happy for you to walk away from the dissolution process right now, and wait until the five-year separation kicks in. You don't have to go through this right now if you decide not to (but I can see the appeal in getting it over and done and finished).
I think you're right about not wanting to take work home with you, but wrong too; you're a significant role model for the boys, Mycroft in particular is of an age to see that when good people choose to spend their working lives making us all safer, that's not a easy choice, it has a cost (like having to work on Good Friday!), and they deserve respect.
(Wow, long rambling comment was long and rambling - have a turtle thing to make up for it http://xkcd.com/889/)
(Blogspot is eating my comments, apologies if this shows up twice)
John - I'm really glad that you're moving on from your initial reactions with regard to Lestrade's husband. The urge to react as a violent protector can be overwhelming, but it doesn't help. Someone else being violent really isn't what an abuse survivor needs.
Look at what Lestrade wrote here, about the disconnect between helping other people and going home to be one of them. If someone belting Bryan would have solved the situation, Lestrade might have done that for himself. It wouldn't have helped. More violence doesn't.
What happens now is all about what Lestrade wants. Not what you want, John, or what any of us sitting here pontificating from our keyboards want. Violence, especially domestic violence, has an effect of removing choices from the victims (sorry Lestrade, I can't think of a different word; apologies if that's a word and concept you don't associate with yourself). Being a survivor of abuse means that you get regain control over your choices. Which includes the choice to be with a partner who will not be violent, regardless of whether that violence is directed at your or on your behalf.
You are clearly a source of great support and strength to Lestrade. Keep doing that; keep being you.
And you're right, it is odd writing about Lestrade in the third person. So:
Lestrade: I know you can't tell John too much about the case, but both he and Nicky will help you if you let them. (I'm a younger sister, and one of the most frustrating things these days is my older brothers still acting like I'm a little kid who needs to be protected from the nasty stuff in life. I'm a middle-aged woman who spends her days helping other people deal with the nasty stuff, for heaven's sake!). Remember that John has made it clear that he's quite happy for you to walk away from the dissolution process right now, and wait until the five-year separation kicks in. You don't have to go through this right now if you decide not to (but I can see the appeal in getting it over and done and finished).
I think you're right about not wanting to take work home with you, but wrong too; you're a significant role model for the boys, Mycroft in particular is of an age to see that when good people choose to spend their working lives making us all safer, that's not a easy choice, it has a cost (like having to work on Good friday!), and they deserve respect.
(Wow, long rambling comment was long and rambling - have a turtle thing to make up for it http://xkcd.com/889/)
(Blogspot is eating my comments, apologies if this shows up twice - no three times)
John - I'm really glad that you're moving on from your initial reactions with regard to Lestrade's husband. The urge to react as a violent protector can be overwhelming, but it doesn't help. Someone else being violent really isn't what an abuse survivor needs.
Someone smacking Bryan - it wouldn't have helped. More violence doesn't.
What happens now is all about what Lestrade wants. Not what you want, John, or what any of us sitting here pontificating from our keyboards want. Violence, especially domestic violence, has an effect of removing choices from the victims (sorry Lestrade, I can't think of a different word; apologies if that's a word and concept you don't associate with yourself). Being a survivor of abuse means that you get regain control over your choices. Which includes the choice to be with a partner who isn't violent.
You are clearly a source of great support and strength to Lestrade. Keep doing that; keep being you.
And you're right, it is odd writing about Lestrade in the third person. So:
Lestrade: I know you can't tell John too much about the case, but both he and Nicky will help you if you let them. (I'm a younger sister, and one of the most frustrating things these days is my older brothers still acting like I'm a little kid who needs to be protected from the nasty stuff in life. I'm a middle-aged woman who spends her days helping other people deal with the nasty stuff, FFS). Remember that John has made it clear that he's OK if you choose to walk away from the dissolution process right now, and wait until the five-year separation kicks in (but I can see the appeal in getting it over and done and finished).
I think you're right about not wanting to take work home with you, but wrong too; you're a significant role model for the boys, Mycroft in particular is of an age to see that when good people choose to spend their working lives making us all safer, that's not a easy choice, it has a cost (like having to work on Good Friday!), and they deserve respect.
Also: seconding everything that Lindsay wrote.
(Long rambling comment was long and rambling - have a turtle thing to make up for it http://xkcd.com/889/)
John - I'm really glad that you're moving on from your initial reactions with regard to Lestrade's husband. Someone else being violent usually isn't what an abuse survivor needs. Someone smacking Bryan - it wouldn't have helped then, it won't help now. More violence doesn't.
What happens now is all about what Lestrade wants. Violence, especially domestic violence, has an effect of removing choices from the victims (sorry Lestrade, I can't think of a different word; apologies if that's a word and concept you don't associate with yourself). Being a survivor of abuse means that you get regain control over your choices.
You are clearly a source of great support and strength to Lestrade. Keep doing that; keep being you. And you're right, it is odd writing about Lestrade in the third person. So:
Lestrade: I know you can't tell John too much about the case, but both he and Nicky will help you if you let them. (I'm a younger sister, one of the most frustrating things these days is my brothers still acting like I'm a little kid who needs to be protected from the nasty stuff in life. I'm a middle-aged woman whose job is helping other people deal with nasty stuff, FFS). Remember that John has made it clear that he's OK if you choose to walk away from the dissolution process right now, and wait until the five-year separation kicks in (but I can see the appeal in getting it over and done and finished).
I think you're right about not wanting to take work home with you, but wrong too; you're a significant role model for the boys, Mycroft in particular is of an age to see that when good people choose to spend their working lives making us all safer, that's not an easy choice, and they deserve respect.
Also: seconding everything that Lindsay wrote.
(Long rambling comment was long and rambling - have a turtle thing to make up for it http://xkcd.com/889/)
John - I'm really glad that you're moving on from your initial reactions with regard to Lestrade's husband. Someone else being violent usually isn't what an abuse survivor needs. Someone smacking Bryan - it wouldn't have helped then, it won't help now. More violence doesn't. You are clearly a source of great support and strength to Lestrade. Keep doing that; keep being you.
What happens now should be Lestrade's choice. Violence, especially domestic violence, has an effect of removing choices from the victims (sorry Lestrade, I can't think of a different word; apologies if that's a word and concept you don't associate with yourself). Being a survivor of abuse means that you get regain control over your choices.
Lestrade - I know you can't tell John too much about the case, but both he and Nicky will help you if you let them. (I'm a younger sister, one of the most frustrating things these days is my brothers still acting like I'm a little kid who needs to be protected from the nasty stuff in life. I'm a middle-aged woman whose job is helping other people deal with nasty stuff, FFS). Remember that John has made it clear that he's OK if you choose to walk away from the dissolution process right now, and wait until the five-year separation kicks in (but I can see the appeal in getting it over and done and finished).
I don't think there's anything wrong with the boys learning that when good people choose to spend their lives making us all safer, that's not an easy choice.
Also: seconding everything that Lindsay wrote.
(Long rambling comment was long and rambling - have a turtle thing to make up for it http://xkcd.com/889/)
(Does Blogspot have comment limits? It keeps eating my long, rambling comment)
John - I'm really glad that you're moving on from your initial reactions with regard to Lestrade's husband. Someone else being violent usually isn't what an abuse survivor needs. Someone smacking Bryan - it wouldn't have helped then, it won't help now. More violence doesn't. You are clearly a source of great support and strength to Lestrade. Keep doing that; keep being you.
Also: seconding everything that Lindsay wrote.
(Great, so it let me post that one. See if it lets the second half get through too).
What happens now should be Lestrade's choice. Violence, especially domestic violence, has an effect of removing choices from the victims (sorry Lestrade, I can't think of a different word; apologies if that's a concept you don't associate with yourself). Being a survivor of abuse means that you get regain control over your choices.
Lestrade - Both John and Nicky will help you if you let them. (I'm a younger sister, one of the most frustrating things my brothers still acting like I'm a kid who needs to be protected from the nasty stuff in life. I'm a middle-aged woman whose job is helping other people deal with nasty stuff, FFS). Remember that John has made it clear that he's OK if you choose to walk away from the dissolution process right now, and wait until the five-year separation kicks in (but I can see the appeal in getting it over and done and finished).
I don't think there's anything wrong with the boys learning that when good people choose to spend their lives making us all safer, that's not an easy choice.
My very first boyfriend when I was 18 was Bryan-esque. I'm a klutz so people were used to me being bruised.
Greg, sorry - can't think of you as Lestrade at the moment. I loved him. I left him. Just like you did.
Letting other people in is damn (wanted to use another word there but the kids will see it!) hard but worth it. All I can say is that I'm a teacher now and I spot domestic violence and bad relatonships a mile off. Children come and talk to me. I can help them so they don't end up where I was.
John, just hug him. Sometimes it is all you need to do.
K
xoxo
Anon without a name - Don't ask me why, but random comments - usually long or with links, end up in the spam thing on my blog. I assume John's is the same. Mycroft might be able to explain why.
And thanks for the wise words. It does make me...worried? Scared? I don't know, to read people offering violence...when what they want to avenge is violence.
About the dissolution - yes, now I want to go through with it, get it over with. In 5 years I'd still have to contact Bryan, still have to make agreements with him - either in or out of court. Now I've got this far - got back in touch with him - I just need to see it through. Then it's done. And whatever John said, it clearly does matter to him, or he wouldn't have reacted the way he did. And that's fine, it was the kick up the arse I needed to leave the entire thing behind me. And for a good reason, because everything I have now I don't want tainted by the shadow of him looming over me.
The word victim is fine. It's the word I'd use. Even if the day I realised it applied to me was one of the hardest of my life. Because I don't think anyone ever expects that of themselves.
Kira - yeah, I was always fairly hands-on, and with the bike as well no one was ever surprised when I turned up with the odd bruise or whatever. Glad to know you broke free.
And the reason I cam eon here in the first place - Danger, combination of factors mean I'll be out of here about 4. Which is now quite soon. Any idea where you lot will all be? I might go home and change, depending what you're doing/where you are.
We're all home actually - as I imagine you will be soon if you got to leave at four. Mycroft and Carla are baking.
Well, the Met's 4 and the rest of the world's isn't quite the same thing. Will leave asap though.
You been out much? Don't want to give you all sunstroke if you've been out all morning, but I could do with some fresh air and sunshine if the dogs need a walk.
A walk sounds good. The dogs will be overjoyed, as always.
Great. Literally packing up and leaving now. Do have to bring some stuff home with me, but I'll do it later. And it's not too much. Just a shooting from the other day.
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