I had lunch with Spence today - he's one of the friends I saw for the first time in a while at Red's funeral. The one who told L every story about me he could remember in the five minutes I left them alone together. To be fair, it was probably a joint effort, but I'm sure he was the instigator.
We talked, about a lot of things. People and things we remember. Strange times. He said he didn't really talk to anyone when he got back either, including his wife. I gather they're doing a little better now.
He came along with me to pick up Sherlock, but ditched me when he saw the tidal wave of children coming toward us...heh. Something about having to do the shopping. Excuses, excuses. I took Sherlock to kung fu. He's learning to do this jump kick where you turn all the way around in mid-air and then inflict grievous bodily harm on the foam pad someone's holding for you. They're encouraged to yell while doing it. Quite an impressive sight.
On the way home, he asked me why I was sad. I told him I'd been thinking about people I miss. "Like I miss Grand-mère?" he said. Yes, like that. "People shouldn't die," he said. "It's not right." Leaving aside the difficulties of overpopulation, sometimes I agree. Sometimes not.
And then, perhaps inevitably, we talked about zombies.
-
The Second Coming
William Butler Yeats
Turning and turning in the widening gyreThe falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
88 comments:
I'm with Sherlock, it all seems so horribly wasteful, all the knowledge, all the skill, all the love and passion and one faltering heartbeat and it's all gone. And people talk such shit about memories and how they're still with you and all that rubbish and it's just not right. Sorry
Strangely I had a similar conversation about death with a small person today and I had to admit I didn't know why people have to die just that they do.
I'm glad you got chance to catch up with a friend John and he can't be blamed from running away from children really can he, that's just a very sensible reaction ;-)
Anon - no need to apologise. It's hard. Losing people is the hardest thing we do, and it's not fair, and it's not right.
And yet there have been days in my life when if someone told me I had to live forever, it would've been the worst thing I could think of. I'm aware that's no kind of comfort. Just one of the things I was thinking about when Sherlock and I were talking. It doesn't make grief any easier.
Anonybob - I had to admit I didn't know why people have to die just that they do.
I remember asking my gran about it when I was very young and being shocked to find out that there were things grown ups didn't know...ha.
I feel sort of impressed with myself that she got to five before I had to tell her I couldn't answer her question I expected it to happen far sooner than that ;-)
Oh, I'm double standard having enough to know exactly what you mean about living forever, John. I just want to be the next to go among my circle because I don't want to deal with it again. Horribly selfish I know
Not selfish. Just human.
I think a lot of people feel the same way though. Or wish they could have been the one to go in the first place.
I'm glad you met up with him.
L - me too. It was good. Probably a much better time than this post makes it sound, sorry.
You should come with us some time, and he can tell you more utter lies about my past. :)
I've never found anything that makes grief easier. Except, annoyingly, time; and even then it takes so much longer than you expect. There's no consolation in it, you just end up living your life around the hole that's been left.
I have frequently wondered if it's the grief that goes away or the surprise of the grief.
That's a good question, DW. I sometimes think that no one ever gets over grief, it just gets incorporated into their lives. There's always that ache there, but it's like when you have a physical pain. Once you have it long enough, you no longer notice it sometimes, while at others it flares up with no particular warning.
Sorry you were sad. But I want to point something out:
Sherlock noticed you were sad. He asked why, and made an emapthetic connection to his own experiences.
That's pretty amazing, that is. I know adults who can't manage those three behaviors in one go.
DW and Pip - yeah. That sounds about right.
Kestrel - he's an amazing kid. I think part of it is what he's been through in his very short life, but it must be just the way he is, too. I think at his age I was too scared to ask my parents why they were sad, in case they told me.
I want a band called "Inevitable Zombies."
rsf
Damn it, RSF. Now my brain's been spending the last bit thinking of set lists for the Inevitable Zombies, including I Left My Heart in San Francisco, If I Only Had a Brain, Footloose, and of course Zombie Stomp.
And perhaps I Hold Your Hand in Mine?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjPhFSlhOuQ
Definitely, Doc, followed immediately by Jewel's Hands, which include the lyrics "my hands are small I know they're not yours they are my own".
(Or close to that, anyway)
I was getting all philosophical, but DW totally derailed me and now all I can think of is set lists for a zombie band, too... How about Put Your Head on My Shoulder? Or One Hand, One Heart?
I'm guessing Sherlock may have lots of music based questions for me when he wakes up...
Got to be easier to answer than some others you've had to deal with lately!
(And there's Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes--and maybe The Hokey Pokey for an encore.)
I think too that sometimes death can be a relief. Certainly when my father died this was the case - he had been ill for months, didn't recognise my mother and crucially wasn't the man she'd been married to for fifty years. Of course she was sad, but she told me she had already done much of her mourning.
And I'd like to come and meet Spence again. He can tell me more about what youre really like - what I'm getting myself into here!
Hope you have a good time with Dr E later. Love you.
John, please don't answer this if it's difficult or uncomfortable, but do you ever hear what's happening back where you were stationed and wish you were there to help or wonder if you could do more?
I'm asking because the area my ambulance station used to serve is being bombed, and I feel, I don't know, guilty? Wishing I was still there to help? Like I should go back there (stupid idea though it is) ?
Have a good session with Dr E
Yes. Often. I'm not sure it's even possible to leave that kind of situation and not feel, at least sometimes, like you should be back there.
I hope you're doing all right, and that everyone there gets through it as well as they can.
There's a singer I really like, Voltaire, who made a live album. Every other track on it is a monologue, and one of them is called Zombie Jesus. Basically, he hadn't told his son about Easter, and he explains it, how he suposedly raised from the dead and so on, and his son exclaimed "So Jesus is a zombie?!".
Unrelated, but here's an amazing song by said singer: (well the link to a video, but same difference) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTyiddyIe9k
Wow, didn't read your last few comments. Sorry. *Facepalms* Have fun at Dr. E's. I've had experience with psychologists, and some advice, don't scream I AM JACK THE RIPPER at random intervals, because she'll think you've lost it.
John, sorry, I thiink you must be in with Dr E. nicky called, mum's been taken to hospital. She collapsed. They think it might be a stroke. I'm going straight there I'll let you know when I get there. Sorry i can't wait. I might not get back tonight.
Oh God Greg, I hope she's ok.
Be safe and good luck.
Keeping you in my thoughts Lestrade.
Lancs. anon.
I hope she's okay, L. (And you, too.)
Thinking of you, L.
L - I just got out, sorry, I had my phone off while I was in there. I hope you're all right. Call me, or something, when you get there? I love you.
I hope she's ok when you get to her Lestrade
How are you John? its rough to come out of your session to this.
I hope you're ok and that Sherlock is Ok when you pick him up.
Sherlock's mostly asking me a lot of questions I don't know the answer to...so nothing new there. Mainly he wants to know if we're going to go after Lestrade, which, obviously, I can't answer until I talk to him.
John, I know that you can explain the medical side of things to Sherlock, but if you think it might help there are some good websites out here. This one is in the UK, and might have some specific things which L might want to know too.
http://www.stroke.org.uk/
L, all my sympathy. I hope your mom was brought to the hospital quickly enough for some of the new therapies. It will be some time until you know the full effects of what has happened, but the last ten years have really improved outcomes for many stroke patients.
rsf
I hope he's in touch with you soon John.
Treat yourselves while you wait, something you both enjoy, it won't take your mind off things but it might pass the waiting more quickly.
I'm okay. Had to stop for petrol and chocolate. I don't know hoe she is yet. be there soon.
I would live you to be here but the weather is terrible so I'm glad you're not riding in it.
I'll be in touch once I've seen her.
Thanks everyone.
Travel safe, L.
Prayers to you, Nicky and your mom.
Just let me know, okay? We could take one of Anthea's cars, probably be there by dinner time. Take care of yourself, love.
He's here, John, he's just with Mum. The doctors can't tell us very much yet.
Thank you to all of you for your kind words.
Thanks for letting me know, Nicky. Are you doing all right?
About as well as you'd expect, probably. Thank you.
Yeah. I'm sorry. Let me know if I can do anything to help, okay?
Thank you, we will.
I'm going to leave him here for a bit and pop home - partly because he's soaked to the skin and needs some dry clothes.
Thanks for looking after him. Which I know you were doing a long time before I was, but I just...worry. So thank you.
Hey love. She's... I don't know. The doctors think it night not be too bad. She's very confused, can't really talk.
Sorry, about coming down... I just think it couldn't be fair on Sherlock. And there's not much to do here. You could translate some doctor-speak, maybe, but otherwise... we're just waiting, mainly.
Once Nicky's back here I'm going to to to mum's and get some things for her, make sure the place is secure.
She looks really old. Not like...herself.
Thinking of you all; hope there's good news for your Mum, L.
I'm glad they sound reasonably positive Greg.
It's normal for people to not look quite themselves in hospital and after things like this, horrible but normal.
thinking of you all.
L - hi, love. I'm glad they think it might not be too bad, and if you call I'll be happy to translate doctor speak on the phone. How are you?
Okay. Well, not really. Trying to stay calm. Trying not to get angry with...anyone.
They're trying to get her bed in Bristol, there's a good stroke unit there. If they can do that she'll have a brain scan in the morning.
They're having trouble doing their tests. I'm just...sitting with her. I don't think she really knows I'm here much.
Why can't they do their tests? And why can't we come and see you? I want to. Is the brain scan an MRI? Are you going to call before I have to go to bed?
I'm so sorry, L. I remember how terrifying it was when my dad had his stroke. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.
Hey Sherlock.
They said it will probably be an MRI, yes. Otherwise it will be a CT.
I don't think you should come and see me because you've got school tomorrow, and it's a long way. And nothing's happening here. Except a nice nurse gave me a blanket because I'm freezing.
They're having trouble with their tests because she was very drunk when she got ill, and it's hard to tell how much of her not being able to do things is that and how much is her brain not working properly.
I'll definitely call before you go to bed.
So how do they know she's ill at all and not just drunk? We had pasta and cheese for dinner and broccoli except John burned the broccoli a little but I made a lemony dressing for it so that was better.
I don't really know, Sherlock. John can tell you. I think it's because some of her muscles are weak and others aren't, all down one side. And because they gave her some medicine that made her a bit better.
Well done for helping John with dinner. You're a very good boy.
I'm sorry your mum is ill even if she's not very nice.
Thanks, kiddo. I'm sorry too.
Can you tell John that nicky's back so i'm going to mum's house now?
I'm here, sorry. I was cleaning up. We made a bit of a mess. You've got dry clothes now at least?
Sherlock you are an amazing young man :-)
I hope the house is ok when you get there Greg. I'm sorry this is happening to your family.
Yeah, i'll get to Mum's first though, it's tipping down still, then I'll change.
they think she'll need to stay in hospital a while. say they need to try and help her with the drink as well as get over the stroke, because it makes her really high risk to have another stroke. said she was lucky this time, probably. They said they thought it was iskemic or something, not cerebral haemorrhage which is much worse.
Ischaemic, yeah. I'm glad they want her to stay for a while, and I hope they can help with the drinking. They don't seem to think it's too bad this time, then?
no, they think with all the support she can get in a stroke unit she might not have any severe lasting effects. But it could be a while in speech therapy and stuff. they'll know more when she's actually awake and sober.
Now I'm here do I just pour all her drink down the sink?
Thanks Piplover, AnonyBob.
Now you're there, you put on dry clothes if you haven't already. And make some tea. And...I don't know. I can only tell you I've done that with Harry's stuff before, and it's never helped.
I was talking to someone who works with alcoholics a few weeks ago and they said the worst thing you can do is pour the alcohol away for them. apparently it can cause anger and feelings of loss of control that make them want to drink more just to show you its up to them.
I don't know if its true Greg but it does kind of make sense.
Get warm and dry like the good doc says :-) you need to look after yourself right now so you can think straight.
Yeah. Sorry, got dry clothes on, turned the fire on in the sitting room. I...don't know, I don't think she's been having the heating on. It feels a bit damp. There's a bit pile of fnugs on the sofa.
And yeah, I gave up pouring her booze away years ago. I just... I don't know.
I don't know if this helps, L, but my father had a stroke about 10 weeks ago, and after therapy he was pretty much back to where he was before the stroke--stronger, really. So there's every chance your mother will be okay after, too.
(I can't speak to the drink--it's got to be hard to see it there and do nothing, but...yeah.)
I know. It's hard...watching people hurt themselves. Especially when there's not much you can do to stop it. I really hope they'll be able to help her in the hospital. All I can really suggest is tidying up a bit for her, and I'm sure you came up with that on your own. Are you staying there, or at Nicky's?
I'm tidying. the place is a mess.
Not sure where I'm staying yet. Don't entirely feel like being around anyone. Don't particularly feel like being here either.
Every person is different, so I don't know what will work for you, but when my mom was dealing with my dad's drinking (and he was trying to get on the wagon and stay there) she put all the alcohol in a locker, locked it, and then offered him the choice of holding the key himself or having her keep it. He did want the key, but he said the fact that he had it and would have to use it meant that he couldn't just reach for a bottle and find it at the end of his arm.
Yeah, I can understand that. I'm sorry, love.
Can't really think of anything to say, just thinking of you and Nicky and your mum. Hope that she does make a good recovery.
nice having you lot on here. If I want you, so to speak.
RR - yeah, maybe it'll be the scare she needs to sort herself out. I don't know.
Anon - thanks for sharing. I'm not sure I'll be around to do much about it. But I'll talk to Nicky.
You should stay with Nicky. Or in a hotel. Not in that house. I'm glad her prognosis is fairly good. I hope you're all right. And if John and Sherlock join you, I'd like to come along, if that's all right.
All four of you together would be a good idea Greg, you need your family at times like this.
Hey Mycroft.
You're probably right - you usually are. I might go to Nicky's later.
But I don't think you and Sherlock should miss school. I'll see how tomorrow goes and probably be back in London tomorrow night. Thank you, though.
I hope we can be of help.
Tidying sounds like a good plan. Your mom is likely to have mobility issues for a while, and a clean house will make a big difference. But I wouldn't blame you in the least if you decided to go to a hotel for sleeping. Neutral ground has its uses.
Most of my experience with someone who's had a stroke is a few years ago, but I can remember all the uncertainty, and the doctor saying "Every stroke is different. Some of your questions will answer themselves and some of the answers will require new questions." It didn't make sense right away, but in time I got it.
I'll be thinking of you. All of you.
rsf
Thanks, RSF.
She... Just seeing the place, like this, makes me feel like she probably needed help anyway. But I doubt she'd have let anyone. Don't expect she'll want to even after this.
Her partner was at the hospital before. And I'm trying not to be as judgemental about her choice of partner as she is about mine. Not doing a very good job.
What's he like?
Awkward. I don't know. Fairly normal. I mean, yeah.
...unfortunately well suited to her, probably.
That sounds...difficult.
Yeah. He begged off pretty quickly. She didn't ask for him.
its not being judgemental Greg, its reading people and you do that all day everyday.
I'm guessing well suited to her means unlikely to be able to help her out of this? Its hard but its not down to you to fix her I know you want to and I wish you could more than anything but it isn't your job to do it.
Everyone has lots of advice; I don't have much to add except Mycroft may well have the right of it when he suggests a hotel. Give yourself some 'you' space, where you can take a hundred year shower if that's what you need. Or talk to John...or whatever will help you feel grounded.
I hope you can find some peace and respite.
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