I never thought I was over the nightmares. Just thought I might be able to depend on my subconscious to save the screaming ones for home. Where I have...walls and things. And there aren't other campers quite nearby to wake up and require an explanation of who's just been bloodily murdered.
No, no, nothing to worry about, ladies and gentlemen. Just me and my permanently buggered psyche.
Everyone was very kind, of course. My three in particular. Sherlock made sure I had Spider, and Mycroft offered me one of his dogs, and Lestrade was...Lestrade. Solid and reassuring and doing his best to look be calm, which I imagine was fairly difficult, given how he'd been woken up.
I ought to be back in the tent with him now. I will be soon. Just needed some air. And apparently to unload on the internet re: current utter self loathing. But it's actually really chilly and I'm not wearing shoes, so. Off I go.
No, no, nothing to worry about, ladies and gentlemen. Just me and my permanently buggered psyche.
Everyone was very kind, of course. My three in particular. Sherlock made sure I had Spider, and Mycroft offered me one of his dogs, and Lestrade was...Lestrade. Solid and reassuring and doing his best to look be calm, which I imagine was fairly difficult, given how he'd been woken up.
I ought to be back in the tent with him now. I will be soon. Just needed some air. And apparently to unload on the internet re: current utter self loathing. But it's actually really chilly and I'm not wearing shoes, so. Off I go.
23 comments:
Oh man that sucks. I can't even think of anything supportive to say that isn't trite and kind of useless. But hugs anyway. And hugs to your three for being so supportive even when they're startled awake in the middle of the night.
PTSD is a bastard. I don't know that there's much else to say, except that I know so well that terrible lurking monster.
I spent two and a half weeks being crippled by it that I basically didn't eat. I got yanked out of it when a friend from out of town visited, but I'm so worried that it'll come back now that she's gone.
John, there's nothing I can say that will make your situation any better, but . . . try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone else suffering through PTSD, would you? There are people who love you very much who definitely don't want you beating yourself up.
He's asleep again, folks. A little restless, still.
John, Innie is right. We don't want you giving yourself a hard time about this. I don't give a toss what the other campers think. All I care about is you being as okay as you can be. And i'll do anything to that end.
And yeah, be as kind to yourself as you always are to me.
Unlike so many of your followers, I've never served in the military and have no experience with nightmares or PTSD. I will say that I'm terribly sorry you're having a rough time sleeping. I hope that improves very soon. But I'm not going to try to offer advice. I will offer to tell you about my dreams if you want because I'm informed they're pretty hilarious. Maybe my friends are just warped.
Toodle,
Bronwyn
Having PTSD sucks. Just when you think you're over the hard part, it sucker punches you in the stomach and you're left wondering what the hell just happened.
It doesn't help that a lot of us are conditioned to see any lack of control as a sign of weakness. Even though it's not, and even if we keep telling ourselves that it isn't, it still doesn't make it easier.
Be easy on yourself, and try to treat yourself with the same patience and forgiveness as you treat others.
The PTSD monster is still going to be lurking in the dark, and sometimes it's going to win a few battles. In the end, all we can do is regroup and fight it as best we can.
You're not alone, even though it feels it sometimes. You're not weak, even though you may tremble. You are amazing.
I know this was probably way too long and rambling, but... I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone, and that we understand. Take care, and enjoy whatever the new day brings! Though hopefully, that won't include anything living in Sherlock's pockets.
Mental shit isn't your fault, even when it seems like you should be able to control it. Sorry you had a bad night, but I'm glad your lads were there to offer you support.
Hello, I'm H. Savinien and I've been reading through your blog (and D.I. Lestrade's) for the past week and a bit. I admire you two and the boys very much. As a librarian, I wonder whether or not the Holmeses have library cards of their own?
*hugs*
-A from NW
Oh, John. It sounds like you at least managed to get a little more sleep afterwards?
And you know that Innie, Lestrade and the others are quite right; you should try to give yourself the same respect and compassion that you would have for anyone else who was going through something like this. The same way you did when Lestrade was going through a tough time with nightmares, after the car crash.
Of course, that's a hell of a lot easier said than done. The fact that you have two amazing boys offering dogs and spiders to help you sleep, and a bloody brilliant boyfriend being bloody brilliant has to help though?
Thanks, everyone. You're all very kind.
We're just trying to be like you.
You're one of the kindest, most considerate and caring people I've ever known.
Better stop that if you don't want me sniffling into your shirt again.
But seriously, thank you. And whatever you decide about what I asked you, it's fine, okay? Really.
You can sniffle into my shirt anytime. I don't mind. I know you'll reciprocate, when I need to do some sniffling.
And yeah. I think...i think I don't know what I'm thinking. At least, not enough to form into anything coherent. And I'm sorry I can't give you an answer yet. And...please don't take it the wrong way.
I might go for a walk, if you don't mind minding the boys on your own?
Yeah, of course. We'll probably head down to the beach so look for us there when you get back, all right?
Right, i'll come back that way when I'm ready. Thanks.
I'll add myself to all the people given you hugs, John. Would have done so earlier, but although I could read the blog on my phone, it wouldn't let me comment. And as others have said, don't be hard on yourself, it's not your fault.
And Lestrade, Sherlock and Mycroft, hugs for you too, for being great.
the square root of 48841 + apis mellifera linnaeus
221 plus honey bee? I don't get it.
Oh no, wait, I figured it out.
Okay. This is odd. Another troll, do you think?
TTFN,
Bronwyn
It looks like the troll is rooting around again. Does 221 + Bee mean something?
Well, we know Sherlock like bees... Is apis mellifera linnaeus a specific type of bee? Is 221 a hive's worth?
You know what, I'm not a morning person, it's too early for me to even try thinking about solving riddles.
John - I hope you had a more peaceful night last night than the one before.
You're not alone John. Never that.
Troll: Buzzzzz off :D
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