L - seems only fair to tell you, since you told me yours. Number seven.
I keep trying not to write this, because I don't think it's appropriate for a blog, or...for anywhere really. But I think can't think of anything else. Not because there aren't other things to think of, but because this one seems to have driven all of them out of my mind. So.
I've killed three people. Even in retrospect I can't think of a way I could've acted differently without the people I was supposed to be protecting getting badly injured or killed. I suppose I'm lucky in that regard. They were fairly clear-cut situations.
I don't really feel guilty. I don't really feel anything. Sometimes I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. Mostly when I think about it I feel sort of...empty. I don't know. A lack of any recognisable emotion. I worry about that fairly often. About what it says about me.
I know this is hardly a unique experience in war. But I've managed to accept most of the things I've seen and done, and I still don't know what to do with this. I don't know if I ever will.
20 comments:
The hardest thing I've had to realize about myself was my capacity to kill. I don't think it's ever easy, John, and I'm sorry you've had to go through that.
I don't know if it ever gets easier. But you aren't alone.
Pip - thank you. I'm sorry you have too. I'm sorry anyone has, really, in combat, or...for whatever reason.
I...wouldn't have guessed 7. I don't think you were.
As for the confession... You shouldn't feel guilty. And, as with lots of traumatic events, I think I've learnt that there's no 'right or wrong' way to feel. I think I've accepted it for myself, too, which is entirely different to knowing it.
I hope you can too. I'll help any way I can.
Yeah, I knew you wouldn't. That's why I didn't say anything, no point really. I don't know, I suppose I might be wrong, just think I could've handled some things better. I've been reading old entries and some of my comments just sound incredibly insecure. I suppose because I was.
I think I've learnt that there's no 'right or wrong' way to feel.
Yeah. I know you're right. It's just hard to accept with this. And I think about the people you arrest sometimes and I wonder if they feel the same way, later on.
Thank you.
I second what pip said and add this: I'm sorry that it's painful and hard, but thank goodness you're the kind of person who cares about it. Because the alternative is...horrific.
One of the, I don't know, odd things, when I first started working murders almost exclusively, was how I felt about the people who I arrested.
You see the crimes, how horrific they are - I mean, truly, terrible, brutal killings. Almost beyond the imagination. And I think I'll hate the person who did it. That I'll think they're a monster.
And so often, when we get them, I just look at them and it's just...nothing. You've had all the 'thrill' of the chase, and then you look at that one little human, usually looking fairly pathetic. And I don't hate them. I usually just think it's a waste. A sad little waste. They usually look that way too.
But not always. Some are...proud, defiant, unrepentant, almost glad they've been caught so everyone can know it was them.
DW - Because the alternative is...horrific.
Yes. It's not something anyone I knew really talked about, but I know they thought about it.
L - It is a waste. Very much so.
When it's over an iPhone, or 63p, or 'respect' it is.
some experiences live in your mind for ever and are never really dealt with sadly. Taking a life must be a horrible thing to have to do, I'd hate to be faced with the idea, but if you can look back on it and it still looks like the right thing to do then you must have done the right thing, not that that solves the thinking about it problem.
I hope you feel better for getting this 'out' in some fashion and that you're having a relaxing evening :-)
I'm glad you felt able to post about it, John, and I hope you do get to talk more about it and explore your memories further. I have no such experience, but I thought What It Is Like To Go to War by Karl Marlantes opened my eyes in useful ways.
Is this why you worry about how you'll react instinctively if you get pushed too far? Because I think that "trying to save the lives of people I'm protecting" is a very different emotional state than "angry."
You said the situations were clear cut, so they must have matched either your training or something so obvious that anyone would have wanted to act. That you did act suggests training. I know that my non-wartime military training was focussed to a very large degree on getting past the "freeze" response in a crisis. Your training probably included a lot more of "this is how you kill someone" than mine did, because you were actually going to a place where that would be a necessity. And I'm sure, like the training Lestrade did, that you did more than just learn to point a gun. Making the decision to shoot was part of the process.
So, given your training, you'd probably only feel guilt if you'd failed to act. That you don't feel pride (you're confessing, not boasting) and that you've thought about the incidents, and how else they might have gone... well, that's good, isn't it? It means that you'll have an eye open for all the options if circumstances require you to make that decision again. And let's face it, Sherlock and Mycroft have security teams for a valid reason. I feel better knowing that you're part of that security for both boys.
rsf
DW's comment on my blog got me thinking... so my encyclopaedic knowledge of every song since 1948 (A little early there, DW...) meant my brain produced this. Which seems to sort of sum up my feelings. (Except you're not a woman. But you know, heterosexuals still seem to write all the love songs ;) )
It would sure do me good to do you good. Let me help.
http://youtu.be/9LFdiYOdgvk
I... All right. I'll try. I promise.
Just know that I'm here, whenever you want, that's all.
Bed? Ready for whatever Mycroft has planned tomorrow?
Yeah.
I will admit that I might have been a year or two off, yes.
John, that's a hard thing to have to do. But saving a life is never something to feel guilty for. I don't think you should worry about not feeling guilt for what you know was a right action. And really, I can't imagine that any other emotion would be appropriate, really--It's certainly entirely to your credit that you don't feel good about it. For what it's worth, Id say feeling nothing is an entirely valid response.
I haven't really known what to say to this, John. Everything I wanted to say would sound trite, I think. So, avoiding the trite as far as possible:
I have immense respect for you posting it; I know it wasn't easy, and I know that you didn't really want to.
I think Lestrade's said it best, and I hope that you can feel able to take him up on his offer sometime soon.
If you ever feel like talking about it here (which I doubt, but just in case) I'm sure there are plenty of us who would be happy to listen, and to chat.
I almost disabled comments just to save everyone the awkwardness of trying to think of something to say, but...you lot always have something to say. ;) Usually I'm better off for hearing it too.
Thank you.
I hope that you can feel able to take him up on his offer sometime soon.
I think I might manage it this time, yeah. I'll try anyway. More seriously than maybe I have in the past.
you lot always have something to say. ;)
Whether we ought to or not :-p
I think I might manage it this time, yeah. I'll try anyway. More seriously than maybe I have in the past.
That's really good to hear. Good luck :-)
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