I still have pictures of Kew, so I'll talk about that because I don't know how to talk about Red. It's not the first time I've lost a good friend this way, but it is the first time since I got home. It feels different.
Anyway. Sherlock's enormous goldfish:
He might've managed it too. They were huge.
It's hard not to feel guilty. We had such a good time, and I keep thinking if I were still there, if I hadn't been watching Lestrade do obscene things to ice lollies and Sherlock and Mycroft have grass fights, maybe I could've done something. Maybe my team would've been the ones to go and get him. I know it's unlikely. But it's hard not to think about it. And then I feel worse because I don't really want to go back anymore.
I've got to call his mum in the morning, make sure she has someone with her. He didn't have much family.
Anyway. Sherlock's enormous goldfish:
Treetop walk from below and above:
Sweatbox, I mean glass house:
Lily pads that Sherlock desperately wanted to try to walk on:
He might've managed it too. They were huge.
It's hard not to feel guilty. We had such a good time, and I keep thinking if I were still there, if I hadn't been watching Lestrade do obscene things to ice lollies and Sherlock and Mycroft have grass fights, maybe I could've done something. Maybe my team would've been the ones to go and get him. I know it's unlikely. But it's hard not to think about it. And then I feel worse because I don't really want to go back anymore.
I've got to call his mum in the morning, make sure she has someone with her. He didn't have much family.
40 comments:
I know you can't help it, but please don't feel guilty.
There are a lot of us who are very glad you're not out there. None more than me.
Trying.
I love you.
Someone once told me that guilt was a wasted emotion, it takes us space in your mind and heart that could be filled with more useful things. sometimes though I think guilt is easier to deal with than the actual pain of the loss and that's why it slots itself in and demands our attention.
I hope your friends mum is ok, you can do a lot for her here if she's on her own and that might be good for you as well :-)
I'm glad you had a fun day out the four of you on Sunday you all deserve more fun times together :-)
"What ifs" are just about the hardest thing to deal with, I think, even when you know they're unlikely, or unlikely to have actually made a difference.
You're making a difference here and now, John, and a very big one, if that helps--anyone reading these blogs can see that.
(Sherlock's enormous goldfish--could they be koi? Some of those are pretty huge!)
John, six months after I got out, I found out one of my Sgts had died, and that my team had been hit and they all received Purple Hearts for being wounded.
I kept asking myself if I could have made a difference, done something, if my being there would have made the outcome different. I felt guilty and ashamed, as though I had taken the easy way out, even though I was no longer able to perform my job due to my injuries.
But I've realized now, 7 years on, that the best tribute I can offer those who have passed and those who I can no longer help is to live my life the best I can.
When I was with them we would talk about what we wanted when we got out. A good home, time with our family, a nice job. To be happy to do the things you can't do in the middle of a desert or a base far away from home.
So now that I'm out, I'm living up to that dream. And it sounds like so are you. You have a good family, a good home, and a job where you are helping people.
Live life to the best of our abilities, treat others as we would wish to be treated, and remember those who are no longer with us. That is our tribute to them.
Ah, John. You've a good heart. I'm sorry about your friend. It's good of you to think of his mum. I hope she has someone to lean on at the moment.
You've done a lot of good in your life, and you're doing good right now. I can think of three people off the top of my head that you've done wonders for since you got back. Hang on to them and let go of the guilt, if you can.
Rest in peace, Red.
Call me anytime today, and just say if you want to get lunch.
You're a fantastic, kind, man John Watson. What you've done for Mycroft, Sherlock and I is amazing.
We all love you.
I hope your morning is going OK John and that the phone call wasn't too hard and left you feeling more sure about what you want to do to help :-) I also hope you're not too tired and maybe manage a nap at some point if you are.
anonybob
Anonybob - sometimes though I think guilt is easier to deal with than the actual pain of the loss and that's why it slots itself in and demands our attention.
Yeah. That sounds about right.
RR - they might've been koi, I don't know. I sort of like the idea that normal goldfish can grow enormous though, like a cat growing into a tiger.
Pip - I'm so sorry about your sergeant, and the people on your team who were hurt.
Live life to the best of our abilities, treat others as we would wish to be treated, and remember those who are no longer with us. That is our tribute to them.
I read this part over about eight times this morning. Thank you. It really does help.
Ro - she does have someone there, thankfully, a friend of hers, and her sister. And apparently her sister is allergic to all the flowers and is 'going around the house dripping on everything' and, I gather, driving her slightly mad. That's what family's for I suppose.
L - love you. I hope you wanted turkey sandwiches and crisps because that's what you're getting.
John, I could be reading this wrong, so just ignore me if I am--but if you feel like you want to...well to do something, you could write down a few stories about Red for his mother. (FWIW, my father was pleased when some of his brother's friends did something similar when his brother died.)
Wanted a day off with you and a pint of espresso. But turkey and a chat in the park was good enough :)
Forgot to say, I'm doing some nights next week. Thought it might be better, you having both boys with you? I don't know. Anyway, I had to if I wanted the weekend for Scotland.
Nights and my parents? Sorry.
It probably will be easier with Mycroft home though. He emailed a bit ago to ask if he could take Sherlock to the museum on his own sometime next week, isn't that nice?
Lovely brother time what a nice idea of mycroft's :-)
How far is the trip to your parents John? Everywhere north is a long way from London isn't it? ;-)
That is nice, yeah. Unless he takes him to the dungeons and leaves him there :)
Nights will be okay. Means I can see you all in the day.
He emailed a bit ago to ask if he could take Sherlock to the museum on his own sometime next week, isn't that nice?
It really is. :)
Leaving. Want curry tonight? Or something... cooler.
It's never too hot for curry. :)
Anonybob - Everywhere north is a long way from London isn't it?
Ha. Yeah, but this is genuinely far, northern Scotland. Google maps says it's a nine hour drive, but I'm sure I've done it in less.
we went to scotland on Saturday, a lovely beach a few miles south of Edinburgh, and it took us nearly three hours from here and we already live a long way from London ;-)
Northern scotland is very nice though so well worth the drive even if just for the view :-)
It won't be to bad. We'll share the driving, and the big 4x4s we use are really comfy and easy to drive. They eat up the miles fairly fast.
Can I sit in your lap and steer?? I bet I'd be really good at it!
That would be completely illegal on many counts, Sherlock. So no.
Sorry.
a decent comfy car is the secret everytime :-)
a bit more growing up is needed for driving Sherlock but I'm sure you would actually be good at it if you were allowed to do it :-)
What if it wasn't on a real road like one of the places you let me go on your bike?
Then possibly, if it seemed safe.
That would be the BEST! Can we do it soon?
You should make custard creams for John so he feels better.
At the moment they'd be curry custard creams. Although he'd probably like that...
I didn't say we could do it! I said POSSIBLY and that's ONLY if we find somewhere safe. So I can't say if it'll be soon or not.
Good job, Sherlock, coming up with a viable alternative! I hope it works out so you get a chance.
And that's very thoughtful of you, thinking of custard creams for John.
Possibly means yes! There must be a place where John's parents live, I said at school we were going there and Peter said there's nothing up there at all so there must be lots of places to drive cars. I don't think curry custard creams would be good so you should wait and make them after without curry.
Possibly does not mean yes.
And when he said nothing, he also meant no roads or tracks, so don't get too excited. Plus all land belongs to someone, so you can't just go hurtling over it in a 4x4.
And thanks, glad I'm allowed to put off custard creams until after curry. What would I do without such a generous employer?
Possibly USUALLY means yes because if you mean no you always say no so if it's possibly then it's not no. Are there really no roads or anything??
Possibly means possibly! It means I can't give you and answer until I know some more. If we get up there and there is somewhere suitable and everyone (including your mum) says it's okay, then yes, we can do it.
If any one of the above things doesn't happen, then it's a NO. And no arguments.
I don't know exactly where you're going Sherlock but some places don't have many roads at all or mush else for that matter.
http://www.ardnamurchan.com/upload/Kilchoan-Ardnamurchan.gif
Sherlock - it's a proper city with roads and everything, I'm afraid. 'Nothing up there at all' is something of an exaggeration.
L - have you seen your blog lately, by the way?
...no. What's Sherlock done to it? DO I want to look?
I don't think it was Sherlock... Did you leave yourself logged in at work?
...yeah, probably.
So it's either Sal, or the DCI has really taken revenge.
I'll go and look.
I hope you've had a good day John :-)
Did you learn much at school today Sherlock?
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