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Dinner...was it really Wednesday? This week has gone so fast. We had focaccia and this nice salad with tomatoes and mozzarella and some nice salmon and baked Alaska. Which he did set on fire, much to Sherlock's delight. Jo and Lisa were lovely and have probably won Sherlock's heart forever. Not only did their presence get him a fiery dessert and the promise of painted-on tattoos and the chance to stay up past his bedtime, but Jo rather rashly said she'd come and get him next time Lestrade and I were being boring and they could do something together. I think she may come to regret that...
I suppose part of the reason, apart from the week going by at breakneck pace, that I've put off posting is that now I've got to sort out everything in my head. It was...a surprise when L told me what they'd asked him to do. Not just a surprise, a shock really.
My instinctive reaction was no, but I don't really trust instincts and emotions. They're so fleeting most of the time. Just shadows on the surface of a lake, as some Buddhist philosopher said. If you react out of that, and then you feel differently tomorrow, where does that leave you? So I generally try to work out the right thing to do and let my feelings sort themselves out later, but the right thing to do here was...not readily apparent.
Everyone, including L, seemed to think that I had a right to be part of the decision, and I wasn't at all sure about that. As he's said more than once, we don't know what the future will bring, and while of course I hope we'll still be together in ten years, neither of us can know that for certain. But if you have a child, that sort of connection is forever. So I don't think I would've had any right to deny him that sort of permanent connection, if that was what he wanted. It would've been incredibly selfish.
But I must admit I'm incredibly relieved he didn't. The thought of someone else raising his child was just...heartbreaking to me. Stupid as that may sound.
And now here are some wild strawberries growing on a rock in the middle of a pond:
Dinner...was it really Wednesday? This week has gone so fast. We had focaccia and this nice salad with tomatoes and mozzarella and some nice salmon and baked Alaska. Which he did set on fire, much to Sherlock's delight. Jo and Lisa were lovely and have probably won Sherlock's heart forever. Not only did their presence get him a fiery dessert and the promise of painted-on tattoos and the chance to stay up past his bedtime, but Jo rather rashly said she'd come and get him next time Lestrade and I were being boring and they could do something together. I think she may come to regret that...
I suppose part of the reason, apart from the week going by at breakneck pace, that I've put off posting is that now I've got to sort out everything in my head. It was...a surprise when L told me what they'd asked him to do. Not just a surprise, a shock really.
My instinctive reaction was no, but I don't really trust instincts and emotions. They're so fleeting most of the time. Just shadows on the surface of a lake, as some Buddhist philosopher said. If you react out of that, and then you feel differently tomorrow, where does that leave you? So I generally try to work out the right thing to do and let my feelings sort themselves out later, but the right thing to do here was...not readily apparent.
Everyone, including L, seemed to think that I had a right to be part of the decision, and I wasn't at all sure about that. As he's said more than once, we don't know what the future will bring, and while of course I hope we'll still be together in ten years, neither of us can know that for certain. But if you have a child, that sort of connection is forever. So I don't think I would've had any right to deny him that sort of permanent connection, if that was what he wanted. It would've been incredibly selfish.
But I must admit I'm incredibly relieved he didn't. The thought of someone else raising his child was just...heartbreaking to me. Stupid as that may sound.
And now here are some wild strawberries growing on a rock in the middle of a pond:
20 comments:
You're right John nothing in life is certain but I'm glad that between you you've made a decision that is right for both of you. I can understand your feelings about someone else but you bringing up L's child it is a very strange thought!
Jo will love the chance to experience a child like Sherlock while still being able to hand him back and you never know you and L might just be able to grab a bit more time for yourselves ;-)
I hope you're having a good day filled with lots of fun :-)
It doesn't sound stupid. Not stupid at all. I understand what you're saying about not letting your initial emotional reaction determine your actions, but it's important to recognise that the initial emotional reaction is as valid as any subsequent reactions and feelings. You can't just ignore your feelings and hope that they'll fall in line with whatever you decide to do. Pesky things, emotions.
Having said that, I think I'm closer to your feeling about your involvement in this decision than others. I think your opinion is valid, but I think it's up to Lestrade to decide how much to take it into account. Of course, to be able to do that, he needs to know what your opinion is :-) (And of course, I think the same applies for any big personal decisions of your, John).
You've both made it very clear that you fully intend to be together for the rest of your lives, and that means being a part of the big decisions that each of you makes, but it doesn't necessarily imply having a veto over them.
BTW, the cookies - you need to have bother blogspot.co.uk and blogger.com cookies enabled, if you don't want to have third party cookies enabled all the time.
but it doesn't necessarily imply having a veto over them.
But if I'd said I didn't like the idea, he wouldn't have done it, regardless of what he wanted. We talked about that a bit, but...I'm pretty sure it's still true.
You can't just ignore your feelings and hope that they'll fall in line with whatever you decide to do.
Now you tell me! Been doing it most of my life... ;)
No, we don't know what the future will bring. We can't. But this wasn't just about you and me making a decision, it was abut us making a decision, because we can only plan for the future we can see, and I can't see my future without you.
All right. Sorry.
I agree about the veto thing nameless noone has the right to make decisions for someone else and sometimes offering an opinion can feel like that's what you're doing!
The hard part of partnerships is finding the balance between supporting your partners decisions and living the life you want to but if you two have come to a decision you're both happy with then you must have found the balance atleast for now :-)
Do you think if you let them build that time machine and could travel forward 20 years to see yourselves sat together on a sofa somewhere you might feel different about making decisions John? (not that you can I realise that.)
I'm pretty sure it's still true
I'm sure you're right, John, but that's Lestrade's choice, that's his right. And judging by his reply, I think he's made his mind up on that one :-)
Anonybob said it much better than I did - it's about finding a balance that works for both of you. Looks like you did just that.
Don't be sorry - you've nothing to be sorry for! You were brilliant. And I know you didn't want to influence me to do something I'd regret, and I really really appreciate that. But luckily we were both of the same mind on this one, so no problems.
do you think there's anything that will ever changes your outlook on the future and its unpredictability John? In a couple of years will you look at things and say well we've been together years so we'll always be together or we've brought up two boys together so the future must be ours to plan or we've lived together for years and its been lovely and wonderful so we must be a we with a future now. I know everyone has different points where they decide that whatever the risks they have to plan life as an us, moving in together? bringing up kids? getting married? reaching the five years of blissful happiness without a piece of paper in sight? Baby sitting the kids kids? everyone is different.
A nosey question I know but you worry me bit when I read things like you've said about this decision.
anon who wrote the poem
Anon - I feel llike I should say it's not just John feeling that way. I mean, I don't know how to explain it...I am the one who often says we don't know what the future will bring. And I've no idea now when that could change. After being married, thinking it'll be forever and then that not happenening...I don't know if I'll ever feel like that again.
And part of it is not wanting Jhn to ever feel like he couldn't split up with me if he wanted just because of what's happened to me before.
I just know what I hope for. And I hope we'll be together for the rest of our lives, because I love him so much it hurts.
I worry about you as well Greg for those same reasons. I know it's not just one of you which probably makes it even harder to ever get to that feeling that I'm sure only teenage lovers ever really have!
I hope you are together for ever Greg the pair of you are not just loving and romantic with each other but you seem well balanced in life support and helping each other deal with the history that sadly anyone over about twenty brings with them to relationships. many many people go on to have long and happy marriages/relationships the second time around but I think you're right it is a lot harder to even comtemplate reaching a point of thinking about it.
anon who wrote the poem
while of course I hope we'll still be together in ten years, neither of us can know that for certain.
I've always sort of thought that intent was the way to go - you intend to be together, so you build your life around being together. That includes discussions about the future and doing things that impact it in a big way. I know husband and I had some serious discussions when we got out of school about some of the job interviews we did, and there were some jobs we didn't take or interview for because they would take us away from the other. We hadn't fully talked marriage at that time - we were 21 and 23 - but our intent was to be together, so we structured our lives around that concept.
No one really knows what the future can bring (heck, my mom's been married and divorced 4 times), but all you can do, I think, is not assume a flameout end, but a long and happy life together.
There are a lot of decisions we make together, and if it were something like moving, or travelling for work, or...well, most things, that would be fine. But with something like this...it's such a permanent and irrevocable thing.
sorry for asking questions I probably shouldn't have John. I hope you've had a fun and busy day
Anon who wrote the poem
It's all right. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound short, if I did. It's just that I'm not sure this particular decision would ever be one I'd feel like I have a right to stick my nose into.
And also, I suppose having my life in the Army cut off so abruptly has made me a bit wary of taking anything for granted. But...
And I hope we'll be together for the rest of our lives, because I love him so much it hurts.
Yeah. That. Me too.
You didn't sound short or anything like that john.
To be honest you sound like someone who has everything he wants right now and is determined to focus on that and not on what might happen one day which in a lot of ways is a good thing until weeks like this last one come up!
Two people who love each other like you two do have a great chance and I hope your side by side flying down a road on your bikes ages 99 and still looking at each day together as a bonus.
Anon who wrote the poem
You both say you "hope" to be together for the rest of your lives, but from what I read, I think you mean "intend". Which is really quite different, and wonderful :-)
Not really a lot to add to this...you two are great partners in every way that matters. :)
(I'd just say that feelings matter a lot, and you really need to make sure they get into the mix on any big decision for either of you--and by you I mean the plural "you". Which maybe you both already know, so I should just shut up. :))
Here's to a lovely, fun Sunday for you all!
John, Greg - Wow, I do my usual "disappear for a week" and come back to find that someone threatened you (John) with pork chops and someone else asked you (Greg) to father a child. For someone whose blog addy is "boring life," you two certainly do not have boring lives.
As for the future...I tend to tell my friends, when they fret about if they'll be with their One for the next year, five years, or longer, to not borrow trouble. Relationships are built both on the little day-to-day moments and the big picture of each partner's futures. No, neither one of you can predict what will happen tomorrow, but it's very clear to your blog readers (at least) that you intend to be together for as long as you can be. If I can be as sappy about your relationship as I am with my RL friends' relationships, you two have a love that will last. =) /two cents
That being said, I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!
-A from NW
P.S.
SH: Congrats to your son and new daughter-in-law!
ReRe: Great to hear your niece-in-law is a sweetie!
So is there a particular story behind the current poll?
Napolean v Churchill in a fistfight seems...a bit random? (Our answers to the poll won't be held against us...right? ;) )
~A from NW
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