Lestrade's at work. There wasn't enough time to cook dinner before he had to go so we sent him off with sandwiches and spider biscuits, and now Sherlock and I are making breakfast-dinner, with eggs and pancakes and bacon. It'll be good if I don't burn anything. Sherlock says he'll keep an eye on me. The spider biscuits will keep eight eyes on me.
L and I had a long walk around the park and a talk, during which neither of us cried in public, though it was a close thing once or twice. I'll leave him to tell what he said if he wants to, later. I don't think anyone here will be particularly surprised to learn that I feel responsible for not stopping what happened to him, for not getting him back sooner. I know that makes no sense. Knowing it doesn't help.
More than that though, I could feel this distance between us when he got back, and that was... I didn't know how to fix it, or change it at all, didn't understand why it was there, and all I could think was what if it got worse and I somehow lost him over this even after we got him back. So that was terrifying.
I think we're moving past that now though. At least I hope so. Still trying to work out how it happened, and I think it's at least partly the assumptions we make about each other. I think a lot of the time L expects I won't want to talk and tries to respect that and I assume he'll do the talking when he's ready and...yeah. Turns into a bit of a mess.
He said in one of the comments on my last post that he didn't mean to make me feel like his way of coping is better than mine, but I think pretty much the entire world and certainly all mental health professionals prefer talking to silence. I need to do better there.
And now if you'll excuse me, I think my bacon may be smoking.
L and I had a long walk around the park and a talk, during which neither of us cried in public, though it was a close thing once or twice. I'll leave him to tell what he said if he wants to, later. I don't think anyone here will be particularly surprised to learn that I feel responsible for not stopping what happened to him, for not getting him back sooner. I know that makes no sense. Knowing it doesn't help.
More than that though, I could feel this distance between us when he got back, and that was... I didn't know how to fix it, or change it at all, didn't understand why it was there, and all I could think was what if it got worse and I somehow lost him over this even after we got him back. So that was terrifying.
I think we're moving past that now though. At least I hope so. Still trying to work out how it happened, and I think it's at least partly the assumptions we make about each other. I think a lot of the time L expects I won't want to talk and tries to respect that and I assume he'll do the talking when he's ready and...yeah. Turns into a bit of a mess.
He said in one of the comments on my last post that he didn't mean to make me feel like his way of coping is better than mine, but I think pretty much the entire world and certainly all mental health professionals prefer talking to silence. I need to do better there.
And now if you'll excuse me, I think my bacon may be smoking.
84 comments:
I'm glad you talked and feel better for it because that gap between you was becoming so obvious that it was scary to watch so I can only imagine what it must have been like to be living!
Talking is hard and sometimes its hard because when you say it out loud it becomes more 'real' I'm rubbish at talking when it's about me eventhough I know its the best thing to do really so you have my sympathy there.
I hope the bacon was just smoking enough ;-)
telepahty doesnt work but talking is still hard
I'm really glad that you guys finally had a proper talk - Anonybob's right, it was getting quite worrying to watch the pair of you not talking; I'm sure it must have been pretty crappy to go through it. Hopefully the talking will continue?
I find talking about stuff really difficult and my husband's even worse, so I can only comment from the perspective of knowing how needlessly difficult it makes things. I think you're right though - you both make assumptions about each other, and you're so careful not to make demands on each other... and yeah, that doesn't always help.
Thank god for Lancs Anon, eh?
I need to do better there.
I get the impression that Lestrade has been helping you feel more comfortable with expressing how you feel, just like you've been helping him feel more confident in himself. You two are really ridiculously good for each other, when you let yourselves be :-)
I hope you and Sherlock have a fun evening together.
I think my bacon may be smoking.
I have no doubt about that at all... oh, wait, that was you talking about dinner, not a euphemism, wasn't it?
I'm really glad the talk went well. I don't think your way of coping is that unusual for someone from the military, John. I know of guys eho had to kind of shut down and carry on. It may not be the bedt strategy, but I don't it's odd. Sometimes you have to biuld a wall around yourself to keep from being overehelmed, but tearing that wall down is damn hard.
Piplover
Well, as I said to Sherlock, feelings don't respond well to logic, so no, knowing a reaction doesn't make sense doesn't make it go away. Logical or not logical, it's how you feel.
I think pretty much the entire world and certainly all mental health professionals prefer talking to silence. I need to do better there.
Well...if I may, I don't think that's exactly the right way to put it? I mean, everyone has to find their own way to deal with their own stuff, and what works for you is what works for you, period. Thing is, now you're part of a pretty special relationship, and the two of you have to work out a new way of dealing with stuff that works for the two of you combined. Seems to me you've made a good start, and I have full faith the two of you will continue to work that out as you go.
(With a bit of a push from helpful folks like Lancs!)
(I hope that all came out right--or at least that it made sense.)
I hope you caught your breakfast-dinner in time! And Sherlock, I meant to say before, it was also very good of you to give John and Lestrade the time they needed together.
Hope dinner was nice.
As for the rest... we'll get there.
How's work Greg?
How was dinner John?
Anyone having a fun Friday evening?
Busy.
Can't say it's fun.
busy's good though right?
I wasn't expecting work to be fun sorry.
Sorry, that was a bit blunt.
Busy is good. This situation isn't. Except to remind me how lucky I am. We are.
I'm glad you were both able to talk and that it helped. Communication can be so complicated at times. As I've mentioned before OH has Aspergers, which means that things need to be worded very carefully especially when there are problems, which is when I inevitably just blurt out exactly what I'm thinking, because I really don't want to pick the right words.
And Nameless, thank you for the congratulations.
blunts fine.
I am just in a roll for stupid questions today sorry.
I am really sorry, I know tonight sucks, I'm going to go away and stop making it worse now.
No, honestly, it's nice talking to you lot, knowing how much you care about us.
It's just no case that starts with a seven year old calling 999 because his dad's hurting his mum with a knife is ever going to lead to a very enjoyable night.
But at least we're here now, and we can try to help.
Oh, boy.
I don't even know what to say, but yeah, I'd say anything you do will be a help.
L - dinner was unburnt and pretty good. Thank you for today.
I'm sorry about the case. It sounds pretty horrible.
Nameless - I get the impression that Lestrade has been helping you feel more comfortable with expressing how you feel
He has, a lot. I just think I need to be more...I don't know, forthright about it. Not wait for him to start all time. It's not fair to him.
Everyone - thanks, you've all been really kind and supportive through all of this.
I'm glad you're both feeling a bit better for your talk, long may it continue you make such a lovely couple.
pandabob did you mean the question in a sort of is there anyone out htere managing to have a good evening because if you did then yes someone was because Ive had a nice one, I get the feeling you haven't but I hope Im wrong.
HM
Sorry, busy, hence going quiet.
Kids are now with a social worker, hopefully on the way to somewhere safe for the night - emergency care.
The lady is in hospital. I'm Waiting for the FMEs report.
Hoping to get the cps to go for manslaughter, put him away.
Hope you're having decent evenings.
Attempted manslaughter, if she's in hospital, I hope? rsf
yes HM that, glad you've managed a good one
Greg - so sorry about the case that is rough and really very horrid.
John - I hope you can rest/sleep successfully at some point or that Mrs H can look after Sherlock for a few hours tomorrow so you can snuggle up together. :-)
Shit, meant attempted murder.
You can't have attempted manslaughter, not podsible.
That was a hugely unprofessional mistake. Sorry
A mix up of words between friends is nothing unprofessional hunny.
good luck with the rest of the night.
Lestrade - shagging a suspect is a hugely unprofessional mistake; writing "manslaughter" rather than "attempted murder" on a blog comment in the middle of the night when you're distracted really isn't.
Sounds like you're having a bit of a time of it tonight? I hope the rest of the night is a bit less tough-going for you.
John - these things always take time; it's decades of ingrained learnt behaviour you're trying to overcome. Hope you manage to get some decent sleep tonight. And that Sherlock doesn't wake you up too early or too painfully before Lestrade comes home :-)
All I care about, really, is the "attempted" part. I hope she's not so badly hurt that you have to lose the adjective.
Did Sally like her spider biscuits?
rsf
Greg - What Anon said, plus, we all know your phone has its own mind about what it thinks you mean to say. I'm glad that the kids are safe and the lady has people like you working on her case.
Sally - You're an awesome person, and friend. I hope you did get a chance to enjoy the biscuits before everything went crazy.
John - I hope you get some decent, uninterrupted sleep tonight. Emotions are what they are; they are not logical. As for the talking/not talking, it takes time to learn how to talk productively, and to work through things that bother you. To learn how to do that while dealing with the aftershocks of a kidnapping? That takes a lot of strength and determination. The fact that you're trying is enough.
SH - Belated happy anniversary!
All - If you could all wish me luck tomorrow, it would be much appreciated. I'm having a brutally honest conversation with an old friend, and it's not going to be pretty.
~A from NW
A - best of luck to you. That's not an easy thing to do. I hope it goes all right.
Good luck A from NW I hope it goes as well as it can.
I hope you made it through without anymore horribleness Greg and that you manage some sleep at some point.
John although you were obviously awake at times I'm hoping some sleep was had.
Have a nice day finding lots of fun but quiet things to do Sherlock :-)
Think they had a bit of a disrupted night. Got home to find them both asleep in our bed, with books all around them.
Pretty heart warming sight.
AfNW - thank you. Hoping it goes well for you today.
Lestrade - aww, that's a lovely image :-)
AfNW - good luck, hope it goes OK for you.
Hope it goes well, AfNW.
Thereve been times in my life when I needed a brutally honest talk and never got one. Hope your friend sees it that way eventually.
I had a bad dream and then John and I had warm milk and read about diseases and then went to sleep.
Diseases are very interesting, the human body can go wrong in such a lot of ways. Diagnosing what is actually wrong from the symptoms is like solving a giant puzzle.
Lancs. Anon
I'm sorry you had a bad dream Sherlock but I'm glad you and John stuck together and got some sleep :-)
You paint some lovely images of your boys Greg :-) I hope you've had some sleep yourself or will be having.
Warm milk is lovely in the middle of the night. I'll bet your technique is improving, John.
I've been thinking about you and talking and the FME position, and I can't decide if it would be good for you to get the job or not. I mean, I think some of the reason that Lestrade is good about talking about hard things is that he has to practice doing just that all the time at work. And I know that you would be doing something of real value, which would help people a lot, when there's any help to be given. But I can see where you'd run into something hard and then have trouble not bringing it home. Maybe you could set a time limit on not talking about things? Give yourself a day or two to ruminate, because that seems to be important in your process of coping, and then on day three, promise yourself and Lestrade that a conversation will happen, even if it's just over a cup of coffee on the other end of a long bike ride. That way you have time to think, because thinking is important, but you both will know that there's a limit to the extent of the silence.
rsf
That made me smile Greg :-)
That's good to hear, Lestrade :-) I hope tonight's shift is a bit less brutal than last night's.
John, Sherlock - any fun plans for tonight?
I hope work is busy enough but slightly less intense tonight Greg :-)
John, Sherlock, have you had nice days? I hope you have some fun plans for the evening :-)
Just had two ambulances and a police car go past me, all sirens and lights. A saying of my mother's came to me, 'Trouble for someone'.
People don't say thank you often enough to the emergency services. I've twice had to call 999 when either someone had died or was dying, the police were wonderful in both cases. So if you don't mind standing as proxy to the emergency services, Lestrade, thank you.
Lancs. Anon
Dinner didn't go so well, but Sherlock said he wanted pizza anyway, so... And now we're making a map.
A treasure map?
pizza is a very good dinner ;-)
Not entirely sure, to be honest. It started out as a map of the street but now there's a mountain range where the park is...
a map of Sherlock's imagination then ;-) sounds like a fun evening ahead.
A map of Sherlock's brain would be useful.
Sorry dinner didnt go so well, love.
Night has started more quietly, glad to say. But being Saturday, can't think it'll stay this way.
It's all right. Nothing caught on fire, just didn't taste very good. Are you catching up on paperwork?
Yeah, lots from last nght. Reports from people, statements, getting it ready for the cps.
You okay? I feel bad for leaving you and doing nights now.
Yeah, I'm okay. I felt a lot better after we talked. Sleep wasn't too bad last night either, even if it was interrupted.
Oh, and Sherlock wants to go to the off road place when Mycroft comes home for half term next week.
I guessed you'd been up a while, must have been, for him to sleep in so late.
Yeah, we can go.
I felt better after we talked too. Have to keep trying that.
Did Sherlock go to bed Ok John? I hope you both sleep tonight even if it is curled up together :-)
Has work remained paper based Greg? good luck for the rest of the night.
Works just gone outdoors...
L - we're pretty good at keeping things up once we get going. I hope whatever's called you out isn't too exciting...
Anonybob - yeah, he did. Even with sleeping later than usual this morning, he was still pretty worn out by the end of the day. Fell asleep in the middle of telling me exactly how Mycroft's entire half term break would go, day by day. :)
we're pretty good at keeping things up once we get going
Doctor Watson! I'm shocked, shocked I tell you :-p
Hope you get a reasonable night's sleep again, hopefully uninterrupted.
Lestrade - yeah, like John said, hope it's nothing to "exciting". And that you get back indoors soon - it's getting a bit parky out there tonight.
Just stating facts. ;)
Nameless, it would appear that the Lestallion line in innuendo is catching.
Currently waiting up to see if OH can get a lift or if I need to collect him. So if there's any snoring in the background it'll be me. Not that I snore of course.
L - echoing the hopes that you get back indoors soon; I certainly don't want to go out. Someone seems to have turned the outdoor thermostat down.
Dead body. Fight, probably.
And no, not very nice. My paper suit isnt very good in any weather.
I wish I had something helpful to offer, instead of just my sympathies. :(
Sorry I've been sort of absent lately - the worst sort of friend, I guess; gone when the hard times hit. I'd claim busyness of a sort, but it's not that. I'll just say I'm really bad about knowing when to say something and when to just mind my own business. I tend to fall on the minding my own business side, so I hope you don't think I didn't worry about you guys these last few days. I did, and I'm glad things are working out.
Greg - I hope you're back indoors by now. If not, *hands you and your team hot beverage of your choice*
John - I hope you and Sherlock have a nightmare-free, peaceful night. The mental picture of the two of you curled up asleep with medical textbooks, however, is very sweet. Did Greg take pictures? :) As for the dinner thing, I find that it takes time to make food taste good as opposed to just edible.
Sherlock - Do you want to see if Mycroft has anything that he wants to do for half term? He may also need to set aside some quiet time for studying.
All - Thank you for the luck. The conversation went surprisingly well. There's hope this friendship is worth saving. (And Greg, you are too kind-hearted a man to need the kind of talk I had to give today.)
I hope everyone has a wonderful, relaxing Sunday!
~A from NW
Maz - no worries. Sometimes a comfortable silence is better than awkward words.
A - no pictures, no.
Hope you guys have a nice, relaxing Sunday. Is Mycroft's half-term this week coming, or the week after?
Maz - don't worry about it. If I read my blog I'd probably never know what to say.
Nameless - this coming Friday. We're bringing Sherlock round to the idea that Mycroft might want to have some part in planning what he does with his time off...
John - good luck with that :-) Do both boys have the same half-term week?
Or that anyone has any say in their lives, other than complying to Sherlock's whims.
It's not whims, it's plans!
But I'm sure Mycroft has some ideas of his own--and he has very good ideas, after all. :)
Did you get any rest this morning, L?
Got a bit. I don't want to sleep loads during today and mess up my chances of getting some decent zzzz tonight.
How do your shifts work Greg, are you back tomorrow or do you get the day off?
Half term plans are always made and then discarded a dozen times in this house before we actually do anything so I'm sure Sherlock will have reconsidered things and taken into account other people's wishes before the time comes :-)
I hope you're all having a nice day.
You're visiting Mycroft today, right? Pre-planning can occur. :)
I hope it makes for a fun and relaxing evening for all four of you. :)
Really butting in here but don't you think that one of the biggest problems u two have with communicating is that Your boyfriend finds it easier to talk to one of the commentors here than to talk to you John? I know it must be useful to read what he says and she is good at getting him to talk abd she really seems to be able to understand him but I'm not sure that if someone was so understanding of my boyfirend without even trying to do the same for me I wouldn't think it was a bit odd and maybe even be concerned about it. Im not meaning to be nasty I just wonder if some relationships here and a bit to close
Anon - I don't have a problem with anyone here.
I don't really know what to say, Anon. I've got one idea of who you might be talking about - but I'm not at all sure.
I've never met anyone from the blogs, or even communicated with them off the blogs. And I'm definitely not the cheating sort.
I'm definitely not the cheating sort.
I've found that heartwarmingly obvious. :)
I'm not really a paranoid kind of person Anon but you make me feel a little that way, I don't know if you are talking about me or not but I feel you might be and I can assure you that I have no motives beyond talking to either Greg or John.
There seems to be something in there about me only talking to Greg but that just isn't the case or at least it hasn't been my intention. I have always worked on the basis that either Greg or John would tell me to shut up or would ignore me if they wanted to and I have now and again apologised when I have felt I've overstepped the mark with either of them.
If you're talking about someone else then sorry for even writing this but the idea I would be causing problems in John and Greg's relationship is quite upsetting.
all parties seem to no who i was talking about but i really wasn't beiung nasty!
I didn't think you were trying to be nasty. I'm afraid I didn't really understand quite where your concern lay, though? Which isn't to say you said it wrong, it's just that sometimes people on the 'inside' (Me, I guess.) don't see things how people on the 'outside' (you) do, so it's hard to understand.
But rest assured, the things I don't say to John...I don't say them anywhere. But if I did ever want to, he'd be the first one to know.
not paranoia then :-( thanks for that anon
If it looks to people like I'm causing some sort of trouble here then I am really sorry.
John, Greg please feel free to tell me to shut up and mind my own business any time. I promise I won't be offended :-)
Apropos of breakfast for dinner, I have just come across a song about "Cooking is Chemistry" which is about making pancakes. (The American ones, anyway.)
Although I'm not sure about the unlearning of facts line...
rsf
Anon I'm going to assume you're female with a male partner when I say this so if I'm wrong sorry.
You must have girlfriends who you talk to about things sometimes even before you talk to your partner about them and I'm sure your partner has male friends who he speaks to. I would agree if you were talking to a man about stuff or if he was talking to a woman then you might be right to feel uncomfortable about it.
In this situation right here though you've got lestrade the most confirmed gay man I've ever met who is madly and totally in love with his doc and John who is head over heels about his DI and then a bunch of women they talk to about stuff. Sometimes things get deep, sometimes they get daft and sometimes they get down right smutty but it is perfectly normal for men who like men to talk to women in the same way as straight women talk to other women and straight men talk to other men.
I hope this come across the way I meant it to to anyone who reads it.
To be honest, apart from those of you who have identified as female, I don't actually know what gender all of you are.
It's just a way of talking about things with people who are supportive and insightful, who I don't have to see at work every day.
I find that very freeing, personally.
And (I'm trying not to look like I'm either obsessing over this, or making wild claims of innocence) I feel like AnonyBob sort of...understands some things Ive been through. Just like some other commenters have been in the armed forces, and they can talk to John about that - something I can't ever begin to imagine, being in a war zone, going through that sort of training.
So I've no idea if AnonyBob is just naturally very empathic, or if she's been through a few of the things I have which I would certainly never wish on anyone, but she seems to understand a bit about some of the things I find hard to talk about. So...yeah, that helps me.
(Sorry, AnonyBob, putting you in the spotlight.)
Sometimes its okay to practice the things you want to say to someone who is very important on people who aren't so important. Helps get the wording right. Besides, on the blogs, talking to one person is kind of like talking to everyone. May be a roundabout way of working out what needs to be discussed in more depth in privacy, but if it works it works.
rsf
not sure how to respond to that Greg other than to say don't be sorry and I am very very very happy to help any way I can :-)
Cheers, AnonyBob. And likewise.
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