Mycroft's lessons started late today, as one of his tutors is in Tokyo for...some conference. Mycroft told me, and I forgot. The Annual Gathering of Extremely Smart People Who Like Maths. Something along those lines.
I was going running again, and he wanted to come, so we did that. He kept up pretty well. We did about two miles, maybe a third to a half of it actually running, the rest walking. I feel much less dire afterward than I did yesterday. We stopped in the park on the way home to stretch and visit the tadpoles (they're frogs now and too quick for me to get a picture), and he asked me again about the self defense lessons.
Did a bit of that. Very basic, mostly just teaching him how to fall. I'd still rather it was Lestrade teaching him. At least the hands on stuff.
I don't entirely trust myself, I suppose. I don't think when I fight. It's mainly instinct. The army training didn't really manage to change that. I ought to have more control, and if I hurt him by accident... I can't even think about it.
We talked about that, too, a little. He said he wasn't worried. I still am. Not quite sure what to do about it. We've still got a while before he goes to school at least. Time enough to work it out.
I was going running again, and he wanted to come, so we did that. He kept up pretty well. We did about two miles, maybe a third to a half of it actually running, the rest walking. I feel much less dire afterward than I did yesterday. We stopped in the park on the way home to stretch and visit the tadpoles (they're frogs now and too quick for me to get a picture), and he asked me again about the self defense lessons.
Did a bit of that. Very basic, mostly just teaching him how to fall. I'd still rather it was Lestrade teaching him. At least the hands on stuff.
I don't entirely trust myself, I suppose. I don't think when I fight. It's mainly instinct. The army training didn't really manage to change that. I ought to have more control, and if I hurt him by accident... I can't even think about it.
We talked about that, too, a little. He said he wasn't worried. I still am. Not quite sure what to do about it. We've still got a while before he goes to school at least. Time enough to work it out.
57 comments:
I don't know if this will be what Mycroft is after, but http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/ has a lot of very useful things about self defence and what martial arts can and cannot do.
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/bullies.htm and http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/self-defensetraining.htm should be of particular interest but the whole place is worth spending a bit of time on.
For one thing it can help to determine what you really want the training for, rather than what you think you want it for...
Righ. Because I either won't care I hurt him or won't hurt him in the first place? You're a doctor, first and foremost, you care - you care about everyone, too much, probably, sometimes.
Doesn't everyone, who isn't really highly trained, fight on instinct?
Or is it because you know i'll just be a punchbag, like I was for Bryan, and not even bother to defend myself. Mycroft won't learn much from my example, will he?
Good grief, Lestrade. Step away from the coffee, dude. Or whatever's got you so twitchy. I know you've had a rotten couple of days, but I'm pretty sure all John was saying is that he trusts you more than he trusts himself. Which is actually a very nice thing to say.
John, you'll be all right. I don't believe your instincts to hurt someone when fighting would ever override your instincts to protect a 13-year-old, particularly not one you've grown very attached to.
L - that's really not what I meant. At all.
Never mind. I'll work it out. You don't have to help if you don't want to.
I'm sorry. I..
I don't know. Im just sorry. I know you wouldn't mean if like that. I don't know what I was thinking.
I'll help, if Mycroft wants.
Nice that you two are enjoying running together, John. Maybe it's something you can keep up even after the teacher is back. Your concern over not wanting to hurt Mycroft accidentally does you credit too; I dont think you would, but maybe start slowly until you feel more at ease?
Lestrade, it isn't like you to be so immediately and completely erroneously defensive. Is everything ok?
John, I understand nif you don't want to speak to me, but just, andwer a text or something? I,'m really sorry. There's no excuse for saying that to you
Sorry. It's all right.
It's not. But thanks.
And sorry to you, too, Mycroft. i'm glad the two of you had a good time this morning.
♥
X - if you mean ' do you have an excuse for being a total twat?' Then the answer is no.
One of the problems with instant means of communication: it's way too easy to let a moment of bad temper blow up into a storm.
Hugs to you all.
Cranky - I could explain the (lack of) thought processes that led to my response. But I'd just further embarrass myself. They don't make much sense.
Those are the worst; I hate those apologies. :-(
With all the pressure you've been under, tomorrow is sounding like more of a necessity than anything!
PTSD is like having a cowboy electrician in to play with your brain wiring. The connections don't make any sense, and your fuses get tripped all the sodding time by the stupidest things.
Don't guilt trip yourself too much. You've had enough abuse.
John, you're very quiet. You ok? Anything you want me to bring home?
Iamshadow - don't think I have ptsd. And John completely didn't deserve me treating him like shit. Makes me no better than an abuser, don't you think?
No, we don't need anything. Will you be home for dinner?
Lestrade - you can stop beating yourself up. All you said was something you instantly regretted, that in no way makes you an abuser. We all say things that we wish we hadn't and almost inevitable say them to the people we hold closest.
Thesmallhobbit - I wasn't meaning I was on par with people who routinely abuse. I just meant I didn't want John - or the boys - feeling like they suddenly had to walk on eggshells in case I was in a bad mood.
John - can be, if you want me to be. Don't feel bad if you'd rather I went back to mine, for reasons above.
L, if I had a warrant for every time my hubs and I got defensive and snapped off at each other, we'd both be in prison for life. Fifteen years in makes you damn good at hitting buttons, and stress lends a certain something to miscommunication.
This doesn't make you a bad person, and certainly not an abuser. Go home and beg forgiveness, be sincere about it, and love John more and better. It'll be ok.
J - sorry you're hurting. *hugs*
L - still rather have you here. And I wanted to know how much chicken to defrost.
Right. Yes, then. I'll try and get to you by 7.
Thank you
Your day been okay? Apart from the obvious.
Not too stiff from running?
Yeah, not too bad. Sorry. This is really taking me longer to get past than it should.
It's not. I mean, it's fine. Look, i'll tell you the ridiculous thoughts that went through my head when I wrote that, once I'm home. They're stupid, so I'm not telling everyone here. And you're entirely welcome to laugh at me. Maybe that'll make it better? Knowing that it's entirely me being an idiot, and that you have nothing to be sorry about or...well, that it's just me.
All right. Thank you.
Can I stay off school tomorrow and go out with you and Lestrade?
PLEASE.
Right, well, I'm just going to leave some hugs here for the lot of you.
*hugs*
Sherlock, you've got to go to school, sorry.
But Mycroft got to go out with John today!
Because one of his tutors wasn't available, Sherlock. You can't just skip school for no reason.
Lestrade, relax! You were a bit of jerk but you apologized, it happens.
No need for self flagellation or beg for anything, don't mean to offend you but it would be great for you if could work on your self worth issues, people make mistakes but when you do it you go straight to worst case scenario.
Since I'm already pissing everyone off I'll keep going and tell you is great that you think John is amazing, gorgeous, special, fantastic but you gotta look in the mirror and see that you're fucking amazing, John is not doing you a favor for being with you, he's damn lucky.
It's not no reason! I like being with you and Lestrade, like at the weekend, and I want to go with you again!
Sherlock, mate, we'll do something next weekend together, okay? But you're going to school tomorrow. School's important, you've got the summer holidays soon, but for now you've got to go. Right?
Please be good about it.
Clearly you both need lots of hugs, so
*hugs*
WHen I saw Lestrade's reaction I thought "don't be silly, that's not what he meant" but realised why Lestrade might think that....
He's a cop. They are not really trained to fight, they are trained to not fight. To defuse, to control, to subdue, not to hurt. If they fight or hurt someone they get in trouble. They are supposed to take abuse without retaliating but somehow remain in control of the situation.
Lestrade, in his dark moments, takes that internalised training where he didn't hurt someone who was hurting him but tried to control them instead and thinks "I didn't fight back, I'm not a Real Man".
Which everyone else can see is bullshit but I bet it's not as easy from inside that head!
I said I wasn't going to say anything on here, but, well, you've probably put it in a slightly better way than I would have. That is sort of the essence of some of what was going on in my head.
And I do know it's not what John meant.
*hugs to all of you* I hope Thursday will give you both time to sort things out and relax in each other's company.
-A
X - if you mean ' do you have an excuse for being a total twat?' Then the answer is no.
I meant it more from a place of concern given the case you've been on than a coded way of calling you a twat ;). I was worried that there had been an additional stressor, but I think that having a personal trigger set off is a valid excuse.
Anyways, I think genuine and quick apologies when one has slipped negate being a total twat/prick/euphemism for genetalia that doubles as insult of your choice. All that said, it's generally a good rule to read a comment written hastily in an emotional response over a few times before posting (hard to do when experiencing said emotional response, but that rule has saved me a few times from saying things I would've regretted.)
Awww. Sherlock, why are you so adorable? x3 It's a good thing that I'm not your nanny, because I might let you stay home if you ask nicely. :P But John won't, because he's a responsible human being who knows what's best for you. :3 Just be patient until the weekend!
^
What Ana said.
So, yeah. A new day.
I shall try to take on board what some of you have said.
No idea where you find self worth, but I shall try.
And I shall try to remember John is just John and I don't need to head direct to worst case.
I can't pretend either of these things have happened overnight. But today...well, we'll see.
"No idea where you find self worth, but I shall try."
In my case, it was a tattoo. Doubt it's the answer you're looking for, though, lol.
But every time I start to feel down about myself, I can look at in, etched into my very skin, and remind myself that I am more than I give myself credit to.
It's not the large things that make us who we are. It's the little things that give us purpose and remind us that we are more than we ever thought we could be.
I hope you all have a wonderful day. *Hugs*
Thought you guys were going to get a lie-in today? Unless I've got my days mixed up and it's only Wednesday. It has been that kind of week so far...
We are. I mean, I'm not at work. No such thing as a real lie in with the boys, though.
I just didn't sleep that well, and my body clock is set up to wake at 5 whatever happens, really.
Piplover - thanks. Wise words. Not sure how John feels about tattoos.
I think I'm probably too defined by work. And outside that...bit lost, really.
Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,
The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;
But then begins a journey in my head
To work my mind, when body's work's expired:
For then my thoughts--from far where I abide--
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,
And keep my drooping eyelids open wide,
Looking on darkness which the blind do see:
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,
Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night,
Makes black night beauteous, and her old face new.
Lo! thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind,
For thee, and for myself, no quiet find.
I tried to think of something clever, or useful, or profound, or even shallowly supportive, but I can't think of anything that a) hasn't already been said and more concisely, and b) doesn't seem inane and facetious even if meant in all sincerity. Thus, you get Shakespeare and my mother's advice:
Self-loathing is like having your head up your own ass. You can't see anything but your own shit.
Not tactful advice, but there you have it.
Toodles,
Bronwyn
Did you see??
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/07/07/3263963.htm
A federal court has ruled the US military must immediately stop enforcing a ban on gays serving openly in uniform, even as the government prepares to scrap the policy.
\o/
Excellent news. Took them bloody long enough.
Good thing is, puts a stop to the 'last minute' dismissals that were going on, despite the fact that the repeal of DADA was being finalised. This ruling means they have to stop TODAY.
I don't understand - where you banned from openly serving in uniform if you were gay, or where you banned from 'acting gay' in your uniform?
Anyway, good it's been changed.
It's all "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." In other words, pretend you're not gay while you're in service, and no one is allowed to ask you if you are. Sneak around to see your loved one, or even just get laid. It's all smoke and mirrors and stupidity up in there.
Glad they court stopped all dismissals as of NOW, as opposed to letting the military keep shuttling people out because they claim they were "Following the rule as it exists."
Right. Good. Must be terrible knowing your country is willing to dismiss you because of your sexual orientation.
As we're sharing good news:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14070733
I can't tell you how glad that makes me. Although I believe little will change.
(The newspaper is accused of hacking into the phone services/answer services of murder victims, the families of dead service personnel and many others, for scoops, angles and ways to get stories. Hopefully they'll be done for perverting the course of justice, too. They actually deleted messages off some murder victims phones, to make room for news ones in their attempts to get a story - leading people to believe the victims may still be alive and receiving messages. It's utterly sick.)
Not only is it terrible, it's just plain stupid. I saw the numbers of Arabic translators they were kicking out at one point.
It's going to have knock on effects in the justice system - there are stories about false testimony and bribery of police knocking around. Nobody is going to come out of this looking good.
The sad thing is, this isn't official. DADT is still the law of the land, as long as certification and the subsequent 60-day period have not taken place. If the government appeals this ruling and is successful, service members could be discharged once again.
It sucks, because there always has to be those creeps out there who want to make things as difficult as possible for everyone.
But it is a step forward! The day it's certified, though, I'm dancing in the streets!
Oh, and John, I saw that your poll is closed, but I wanted to say that yes talking does get easier with time. It's like any other skill, practice makes perfect.
Just my two pence.
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