I am putting this whole thing below the cut because none of it is appropriate for work, children, or anyone with a modicum of good taste. But it is hilarious.
X posted a link to this review in the comments, and I felt it should be shared. Here's an excerpt:
X posted a link to this review in the comments, and I felt it should be shared. Here's an excerpt:
There she is assailed by the stench of the men’s room and the sight of the gorgeous man at the urinal:
And the sight of the huge cock the knight is holding in his right hand as he shakes off the last few drops of pee is even more dazzling.
The sight is so dazzling that Loiuse’s pee dries up and is replaced with moist desire.
Believe it or not, it gets worse.
Also, Anonymous posted a link to Silver Foxes: Steamy Stories of Older Men, which is obviously what I'm getting L for his birthday. I owe him for that damn jacket. It still startles me when I catch sight of it unexpectedly.
I almost feel bad putting these in the same post - Silver Foxes is probably not bad if you like that sort of thing, whereas the other one is very possibly the worst thing I have ever read in my life. No. It actually is the worst thing I have ever read in my entire life. And that includes the excerpts of Twilight Harry read me over the phone, which were pretty bad.
Also, this is uncomfortably accurate. I hope the last part is too.
Also, this is uncomfortably accurate. I hope the last part is too.
53 comments:
I'm speechless. X, thanks for the amazing link.
Danger - What did you do with the layout you had some hours ago? I liked it, it rocked!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA... OMG!! That'a awful! XD But well, I can assure you I've read worse things than that (though not pornographic, unless you count some really bad slash fics): http://www.amazon.com/Canitas-Spanish-Carlos-Trejo/dp/9703701345/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1307113770&sr=8-4
Fortunately for you, it's in Spanish. It's a book Carlos Trejo, now a self-proclaimed ghost buster, wrote to supposedly document some supernatural phenomenons that happened in his house, on Cañitas Street, in Mexico City. I swear to God it's not even proofread, some words are misspelled, the writing is just awful--it makes this comment look like Charles Dickens! XD And it was even turned into a film. Well, a cheap, direct to video film:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3y_MlZLHxTM
That's the trailer. It says: "In this house / something is about to happen / the devil does exist / even though you insist on denying it. / The story that terrified all of Mexico / is up on the silver screen. / It's not a scary movie / it's the truth / CAÑITAS."
Man, I wish some of this stuff was translated. There's nothing like it! And you should see this guy on random variety shows, talking about his investigations and stuff. It's like Supernatural but without the hot guys, and the budget, and the pretence of fiction. XD
This is.... words actually fail me (this is not a common occurence in my life!!)
It is not a turn on in ANY way shape or form... has the writer met a human? Is it written by robot? computer? some alien species with a golden shower kink??
Also, are you bored in half term or has Mycroft taken over the styling of the blog again!
Kira
Paula - I am still fiddling with the layout, as you can see. Not sure about this one either, but L called the last one grunge urban chic. Not quite sure how to take that...
Lupe - just from the tailer I have to say that looks astonishingly bad. Wow!
Kira - alien species is my bet. Maybe robot.
I am fiddling with my layout again, but Mycroft was helping me until just a bit ago. Now he's wrestling with the dogs. Not sure who's winning. Looks like good practice for the self defense lessons, though hopefully those will include less slobber.
Well, if we're talking about worst things ever, you should know about Sheera: Vampire Samurai. I won't go into the terrible plot (what there is of it, anyways), but I think the tagline gives a pretty good indication.
"Half Vampire. Half Samurai. All Woman." (This is actually the cleverest part of the movie.)
I like grunge urban chic. But the actual layout is also fine.
My eyes always like light background and dark font best. Yes, I'm getting old.
itsmeektg - sounds appalling. Is it porn? It sounds like it might be.
Maike - I'm not completely sure what urban grunge chic is, other than apparently my former layout. I'm still fiddling. I think I like this one though.
Paula - yeah, L tells me that too. And then he gets out his reading glasses and squints at me. This one's sort of a light background Close enough?
This one is fine. My eyes don't complain. :)
Excellent. I'll quit while I'm ahead then.
From the Silver Foxes description:"the daddy possesses a charisma that drives younger men wild.
Charisma, huh? Well, if that's what they're calling it these days, I suppose! :)
That other excerpt sounds like it deserves one of those bad sex writing awards. Oh, here it is!
The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/badsexaward
like an otter through wet sand
.......Oh dear.
Bloody hell. Day from...hell. don't have mental capacity left to find another word. Sorry I didn't call.
and I do not squint at you.
Oh, my. Words fail me. (For some reason, it seems like something I'd find on Max. O_O )
I like this layout; it's easy enough to read. (Another one with aging eyes; I'm afraid that I'm asking for bifocals for my next pair of glasses.)
This one made me giggle:
like the nose of the loveliest nocturnal animal...
Hoo boy.
L - sorry, love. Want to talk about it or ignore it? And will you be home for dinner or should I feed them now?
You do, a bit. Purposefully. It's all right, I like your reading glasses.
humantales - nothing wrong with bifocals. Of course, that's easy for me to say; I've never even worn glasses. But I appreciate them on others.
mazarin - I just don't even.... What was he thinking??
No, it's fine. Just the ridiculous heat today making it the perfect day to kill someone, apparently.
Shouldn't complain, it's not one of my family lying in the mortuary. My bad day is nothing in comparison.
Feed the boys, i'll be a while yet.
Don't squint because I need glasses, just because you're blindingly handsome.
I think this stuff you're reading is more worrying when you just get the comments, not the source material, like I have... or maybe less worrying.
Ha - that stuff makes me feel *so* much better about the stuff I write :-p
Just to be awkward, I prefer the layout from this morning, with the white-ish page speckled with black stuff. The squares make my eyes go funny when I'm scrolling the page. (Wait - does that mean I'm old? Dammit.)
I like the xkcd, but I seem to have either squished up some of the stages, and skipped others. Which theoretically means I should be just abut hitting the last stage, twenty-odd years early \o/
L - less worrying. It can't be as worrying as the source material. It's all that bad.
I'll see what I can do about improving your day when you get home.
re: squinting, you only do it to make a point, usually about my blog background!
Nameless - ah, the urban grunge whatsit look. Hmm.
What you write? What exactly do you write? Do I want to know?
Nameless - nowhere on the diagram does it explain where I managed to get a daughter from... and it's Mycroft who looks at me and says 'are you going out dressed like...that?'
And knowing you lot, I can make a wild guess at what you write...
Danger, very much look forward to you making my day better. Just your presence will do that.
I just have to get this done, or come in tomorrow. And I promised the boys I would see them at the weekend and get ice cream etc.
Do I want to know?
No, you don't. You really, really don't.
And yeah, if that was the urban grunge whatsit look, I preferred that. FWIW.
Nameless - Oddly, made me feel better, too, and yet somehow slightly bad, probably because I sure as heck am not getting a publishing contract, so how on earth did they? :D
John- I have no idea what he was thinking. Or not thinking, as it were. I suppose it's one of those situations where you exist to be an example to others?
L - Don't worry, we're not going anywhere, take your time. And if you think I'm less excited than they are about liquid nitrogen ice cream, you are sadly mistaken.
Nameless - I believe you.
This is the urban grunge whatsit again, and it's probably going to change again. It does a weird thing up at the top with the navigation bar. But I like the paper texture. Hm.
Mazarin - That must be it. And he did get some publicity out of it.
Mazarin - I know, right? Got to be some underhand explanation.
John - urban grunge whatsit, yay :-)
Lestrade - you make it sound so tawdry. And I have also avoided the daughter stage, so feel entitled to move into the next stage early :-)
It is a nice place. Sherlock may never want to leave.what else shall we do? Mycroft did mention having a go on my bike. We could sort something out?
I read a bit of that review...that stuff would put me off sex!
You're my knight in...sparkling denim.
Yeah, that'd be good, he's mentioned it a couple times today, along with the lessons. And maybe take Sherlock to that bike shop Mycroft and I went to the other day, so everyone can see what they've got in person.
My eyes have been dodgy most of my life. I do much better with light text on dark but I have filters that do that for me as most places prefer it the other way.
Too much white = migraine and black text tends to change colours and swim about. I think that's the dyslexia though.
That excerpt is really nauseating rather than hot. How on earth do these things get published? Even as ebooks someone must have read them.
Kath - terrible, terrible taste on the part of the editor is the only explanation I can think of.
hang on, hang on, how did this post get tagged with that tag??
Kath - there's a guy on my team who uses filters - yellow, mainly, I think, to read things. It's amazing how something so simple can make such a difference. He says he really struggled in school, but finally someone realised what was going on and he got some help. Makes you wonder how many other people never got the help.
John - I'll sort out borrowing a helmet. It won't be a very Mycroft-y helmet. Very bright, I'm afraid, covered in pictures. But it'll do the job. And maybe we could all go to the bike shop before or after ice cream?
I should be done here before ten. I hope.
Ahaha, I don't know if I should take a bow or issue my profound apologies for linking you all to that. I read it with a sort of morbid fascination. But then, I'm the type to keep a list of the most hilarious euphemisms I've come across, so....
I haven't read worse in fanfic yet. The infamous My Immortal doesn't count as it was a parody of badfic (don't google it though, really).
Also I was a fan of the grunge chic background, though not very summery! :)
L - It's the only one I have that's remotely suitable for this post!
There's yellow-tinted glasses for shooting as well, but I never thought much of them. Supposed to be good for glare though.
Very bright, I'm afraid, covered in pictures.
I'll take pictures. (And won't post them, don't worry, Mycroft.) After ice cream, I think. I'm going to ask their mum if she wants to come too. It'll be Sherlock's first bike if we end up getting one tomorrow, and that is sort of a big deal.
X - most of the summery ones have flowers. I'm not sure I want a floral blog.
You can't have found one worse than lady-softness, surely?
I had a yellow visor for my old bike helmet - makes the greyest London winter day seem like mid summer. They're great.
About to leave. The boys in bed? I did promise Sherlock a story tonight...but to be honest, I'm not sure I've got on in me.
I might get phonecalls tomorrow, but I hope I won't have to come in.
In bed and actually asleep for a miracle. You're safe.
I wish I was. (asleep)
But I should probably eat something. Sort of forgot earlier.
You can't have found one worse than lady-softness, surely?.
I suppose it's all subjective, John, but I think so: "his dripping log" is probably the worst I've come across for sheer Not Right visuals. "Fleshly lightsaber" made me laugh for a good while too though. I'll have to dig up that list sometime -- those are the only two that I remember, which likely means they were the worst.
Lady softness just sounds ... dumb, like someone is trying too hard to be Old Timey, haha; it's the disappointed queeb sound and the spinning like a top that are more memorable in that book for me.
(and you're right, floral blogs do not sound appealing. Your current layout hides the background image of... A train was it?, though; I saw it briefly before the white page comes up over it. The page still looks great, just wasnt sure if the pic were meant to be more visible. :))
...Yeah, all right. Dripping log is worse. Eugh.
A lot of the pictures are arranged so that the most interesting bit is covered by your entries. Not sure what they were thinking there really. This one is probably not permanent anyhow. I'm still fussing with it. In the middle of the night, while L snores (quietly) next to me. I should probably stop and try that sleeping thing again.
Kath and I both have tinted overlays we use on printed stuff like books. We use the hell out of the Readability add-on for Chrome and Firefox, too.
I also have a general filter program I use on my computer that shades everything, in my case, a blue, but you can pick any colour. I find it's really useful when I'm over-sensitive. Also, laptop screens can never be turned down enough, IMHO.
Don't know if any of that made sense to a GP, let alone a layperson...
Jeez! I had no idea that a filter would make that much of a difference. (Readability I knew about.) Here, I'm just fussing about having to learn how to look through bifocals. (I had them once, when I was younger than Mycroft, to help my eyes get stronger. Didn't work, but I do remember the learning curve, and I'm older and slower now.)
Dripping log...thanks for sharing that.
And now Danger is...no, he's not snoring. Just making odd little noises. Disappointed queebs maybe.
I'm just waiting for the sound of little feet from upstairs...or big paws, which tend to make more noise.
Ps. I like the background.
I'd roll about in the hay with you anytime (yes, pedantics, I'm aware it's not hay really.)
I'd be careful about the hay if I was you...
http://mudcat.org/detail_pf.cfm?messages__Message_ID=463720
"I got earwigs in my navel, she got spiders in her hair,
The thistles prickled constantly, the cows turned up to stare,
The sun went in behind a cloud, the rain began to fall,
And I got stung, and what a sting, where you shouldn't get stung at all. - Oh!"
Haha, very good.
But there's something very, very nice about lazing about in a meadow, sun shining, blue sky with the one you love. Nature won't put me off that!
Ooh, yeah, the grassy background is nice. Inviting.
A mate of mine started using a blue overlay for reading, which seemed to help - both with the ease of reading stuff, and somehow with the ability to process the content. Thing is, he was in his fifties before anyone even suggested he try it. All those years struggling...
Nameless - I imagine it's just hard to take anything in when you're concentrating that much on trying to read? I don't know.
I used to struggle with my reading when I was akid - always in the bottom class for everything. But it was more lack of practice than anything else. We didn't have books in the house or anything, and my Mumeverused to read with us, so I sort of fell behind. I also didn't put much effort in, once I had got behind. Just gave up. It was only once I left school and grew up a bit that I really appreciated the importance, so then starting trying. Used to go the library a lot when I first got to London - it was warm, free and full of things to read about, which were all winners.
I think it's why I like reading with Sherlock so much now. Although it's more useful reading with Mycroft - he's good at teaching me things about grammar and were words come from. Stuff I've never really thought about.
L, the image of you reading to Sherlock and discussing grammar and word origins with Mycroft makes me smile. Fun for the whole family. :-)
Mycroft's given me a better education than my education ever did! I have managed to go a startling number of years using loads of Latin phrases, because they appear in so many of our laws, but never actually understanding them (well, not in the sense of how latin works with so many words in use now) but now Mycroft's teaching me, and so many things make more sense!
Mind you, when I look at him, 13 years old, still a child, albeit with the intelligence of an adult, I can't beleive anyone ever let me leave school - and home - when I was just two years older than he is now.
And shortly I'm going to teach him something...how to sit on the back of a bike. (maybe then he can teach Danger).
maybe then he can teach Danger
You know you'd be sad if I stopped clinging onto you. Mycroft looks, unsurprisingly, like he'll be far more dignified about it.
Mycroft seems to be far more dignified about most things, even when he's having fun.
I would be devastated if you stopped holding onto me. Truly.
Well. You've got no cause to worry.
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