I'm sure I had things to say, but then it got late and I should be in bed already... Here are some pictures of the blueberry bush and its pot:
The rocks at the bottom are to help drainage.
And here's the actual blueberry bush. It's a kind that grows pink blueberries. Sherlock was entranced by the idea, and it sounds like it'll look nice in winter - yellow stems.
And...I've been thinking about this for quite a while and I suppose I'll just say it and hope it comes out right. I never really understood before why people whose partners or spouses were hurting them wouldn't just...leave. I mean, I understood intellectually that there could be practical or financial reasons, but I never understood emotionally why someone would choose to stay if they didn't have to.
Maybe that's a failure of imagination on my part, because it took having my life and heart so thoroughly entwined with L's to realise exactly how horribly wrenching it could be leave someone you love, or even used to love, or still want to love. And that sounds like I'm...comparing him to Bryan or something, which is awful and not what I mean at all and why I hesitated to try to say this. I suppose I just mean...you can't stop loving someone like flipping a switch, and the visceral realisation of that has made me see things differently. I suspect it's fairly obvious to people who aren't me, but I've led quite a solitary life up to now, emotionally speaking. Anyway. That's all. Good night.
21 comments:
I didn't leave because there was absolutely nobody else who wanted me...it was better to be in that situation (which I told myself I could manage so I didn't get hurt so often or so much) than to be completely and utterly alone. At least there was *someplace* I belonged.
Resources were a piece of it, but a very small one.
Or maybe you weren't looking for someone else's insight. In which case, delete at will.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that everyone's situation or reasons are the same. I hope I haven't hurt or offended you. I had a feeling I should've kept my mouth shut on this one.
No no no no...not offended. Not at all.
Actually, I find it somewhat hopeful to know that there are people who are so far removed from that weakness, that they can't understand it. That sounds backwards, but it isn't. It's like racism or homophobia: my kids completely don't GET those. I'd rather there were so many strong people who don't GET why I stayed, so I could believe that we are doing better at helping more people be strong enough not to need to stay.
And of course my experience is only one, and nobody else's is going to be the exact same. Mostly I offered it as a different perspective on the whole thing.
I wish I could edit my comment. By comparing it to racism or homophobia, I meant of course that there are kids who just cannot conceive of that level of hatred because they've been brought up in such accepting and loving environments that they just...can't.
John, I can't speak for Kestrel (or anyone else who has been in a situation like that, of course), but as someone without a personal stake in the issue, I just took your post as an expression of empathy with one reason people might stay in a bad situation like that. I didn't take it as you meaning it was the only reason you could understand, just as one reason you did understand.
I'm sorry you had to live through that, Kestrel.
Pink blueberries? EXTREMELY cool-sounding! *runs to Google pink blueberries*
RR - thanks. I'm glad to know that. And the berries are called pink lemonade I think?
Kestrel - oh good. Thank you. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone and I know this an area where someone as emotionally clumsy as me could do it without meaning to. Which would be no excuse.
I think I understand what you're saying. For what its worth you, and Lestrade, and anyone who's made it through that sort of situation seems incredibly strong to me
I didn't know blueberries could be pink (without being called pinkberries.)
As for the rest -- I once had someone compare their life to the proverbial frog in the pot of water. It was nice and warm and lovely there at first, and the first few bubbles coming up from the bottom didn't seem like anything they couldn't live with, but when it really got boiling hot, it was hard to remember why they hadn't known they were in trouble.
As awkward as the metaphor might be, it helped me understand the 'frog' side of the situation a little better. But I'm glad I still don't understand why anyone would want to put a fire under the pot.
rsf
I didn't know blueberries could be pink! I learn so much on these blogs. :)
I think your statement made sense, John. It can be hard for people who've never been in an abusive situation to understand, and I think what you said just shows that you are very caring.
I think a lot of people don't understand - and people who have been through it sometimes only see it from their point of view, so when they see somebody else in a similar position, with a key factor changed, they don't understand why that other person doesn't 'just leave'.
It's not just being entwined, it's having every aspect of your live entangled. And lots of people who are abusive are especially good at that entanglement to the point you don't know where your thoughts end and theirs begin.
I'll probably have more to say about it once I've had coffee...
You should give yourself more credit than you do for understanding and communicating things John.
People stay in less than good situations for all sorts of reasons and most who leave will find that its months, years or a good relationship later before they understand how much of what happened in their previous relationship wasn't ok.
You have a tough job being the new partner to someone who has been through what lestrade has because you have to worry about everything you do far more than people in 'normal' relationships do.
The love you have for the man in your life is amazing and anyone who has lived through a history like his would be glad to have someone like you in their future.
I hope you've had a good day out and that art class is fun :-)
Thanks, guys. As usual, I feel you give me too much credit. I think my caution in what I say has more to do with my own past most of the time than L's, and not wanting to repeat old mistakes.
And I'm not sure I'll believe the blueberries will really be pink until I actually see them.
In the photos of pink lemonade blueberries (which is an awesome name, so summery!), the pink looks pretty intense, I hope that's how they really grow!
Anonybob's right. You are very understanding and empathic, really.
seen as the subject is sort of here John there is something else I've wanted to say to you for ages about Bryan so I'm taking the opportunity but you don't have to read it ;-)
You are allowed to be angry at Bryan, not for what he did to Lestrade but for what he's done to you. You don't have to focus your feelings on how things effect Lestrade you have every right to be cross that there are things you can't do because you worry about Lestrade's reaction or because you just don't feel you can take the risk because of things Bryan did.
Your feelings about Bryan are as valid as Lestrade's and they are not something you should feel guilty about in any way or hide from Lestrade.
like I said you don't have to read it or take any notice and I probably should mind my own business but I'm not good at that as you've probably noticed ;-)
L - I love you, that's all.
Anonybob - I'm... not sure I'm convinced, but I'll think about it, and I appreciate you saying it. Thank you.
You can very definitely hate him for what AnonyBob said. And other reasons too, of course.
It is one of the reasons I didn't ever want to tell you about him... But, well, not my finest hour, any of dealing with that. And a bad plan anyway.
I hate him for...really quite a lot of reasons.
It turned out all right though. And it was probably going to be difficult telling me no matter how you did it.
I know you do.
And yeah. That's why my stunningly good plan was never to tell you. Which...well, just was clearly never going to work and was a completely terrible idea. Especially in hindsight, now you've helped me move on so much.
It probably would've been my plan too, in your place, if that helps at all.
Really? Yeah, I...well, I'm glad it wasn't, and won't be, and...I guess, it just is what it is and was how it had to be. And hindsight it easy.
Really.
it just is what it is and was how it had to be
Yeah, pretty much.
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